How This Year Changed Me
2017 will go down as one of the most profound years of my life...because it changed me. Now, I get that every year should find us growing into better people and becoming closer to Jesus but, somehow, this year was different for me. This post is my feeble attempt to share with you why...
This year made me more honest - So many experiences this year forced me into becoming more open about my life. Compared to years prior, I went into 2017 feeling like openness was becoming a way of life for me...I mean, I wasn't hiding anything. But a conversation in late May with a close friend revealed that wasn't the case. He challenged me to start letting love in, to begin to live as though I had nothing to be afraid of and nothing to lose. To start serving God with abandon, no matter the cost. And that challenge forever altered my future. I began to see that honesty may hurt sometimes, but it will always be worth the price. I have since found myself having to have some hard conversations with others, having to speak up for my beliefs and convictions and yet looking to God for the courage to say what needed to be said. Honesty means you're not ashamed of who you are or where you stand. You live life openly. And this year, I've started to feel what that's like.
This year made me more unafraid - I've known for awhile that fear has run my life for most of my life. And I've tried to get real about it. But this year was a turning point. A few brave friends demonstrated their love to me in ways I'll never be able to fully grasp or repay, and that wrecked me in the best way possible. Early in the summer, I was hit by the realization that fear was a barrier between me and those around me. I was afraid of being fully known because I was afraid to be fully loved. I had let people in to a point, but then I would keep them out. Because I was afraid people who said they cared would end up leaving. It had happened many times before...and all I was left with were empty promises and questions that never got answered. And so the best way I could think of to cope was to live guarded. To stay distant. To not let others in too close. Just on the off-chance... I learned not to trust. But then came along some special people who didn't promise me anything regarding our friendship - they just lived out their love. They just showed me that I could trust them. Always. With anything. And when I kept on holding back, they finally addressed my fear and showed me they loved me for who I am but care too much to let me stay that way. This emboldened me to start facing life unafraid. To live large. To open the heart to those who are truly your friends.
This year made me notice who my real friends are - Because I began to live life loved, I began to see what real friendship looks like. As I saw friends demonstrate love by their timely prayers, words of wisdom, acts of caring (even when unasked)...all these things added up so that I started to see that real friends don't always tell you how they intend to impact your life. They don't promise you they'll be there forever. But they show you day in and day out that they love you. Just for you. Just as you are. Flaws and all. And they show you by their own living that they want you to become better. They aren't afraid to get involved in your messy...because the Jesus they serve isn't afraid to get involved in their own messy. They love like Jesus loves. They are His hands and feet. And this distinction for me between those who are your acquaintances versus your friends and then your lifers, has allowed me to have an open heart and open hand regarding who is meant to be in my life. If they aren't meant to stay, then it's okay to let them go. To free them to move on. Those who truly love you will never leave. No matter how hard it gets.
This year made me accept hard things - I've had to accept some hard things this year: three friends from years past committing suicide, a friend dying from cancer, another friend being diagnosed as "terminal" with an incurable cancer, friends moving...and then a job change, a long-lost relative entering my life for the first time...so many things that can make one wonder whose in control! But through it all, God has dealt patiently with this fearful one and made me realize that even the hard things are His blessings in disguise for what they teach us about ourselves and how they cause us to depend on Him. I've had to learn to not hold on so tightly. To let go when God says to. To not control life so fiercely but to trust more deeply. To appreciate the unchangables in my life and to keep on saying "yes" to Jesus - even when it hurts.
This year made me slow down - For the last few years, work and other responsibilities forced me into living life in the fast lane. As much as I tried to separate everything, I began to live the business-world life: always focused on the next deadline, always chasing the next goal, always on the run. And I began to lose me. I began to miss the miracles. I began to cease noticing the blessings. And I began to live un-thankful. Late this year, some changes in my job and re-focusing on my part in my spiritual life allowed me to regain my perspective and, for that, I am eternally grateful. I'm determined never to let my life get that way again. I felt like I missed so much.
There is so much more I could list, but these are the main things that impacted me personally in 2017. I'd love to hear how this year changed you, as well. Heading into a new year with this perspective on the old, lets keep on trusting God to build on what He started in us this past 12 months and get excited for all the ways He'll do even more in 2018!!
This year made me more honest - So many experiences this year forced me into becoming more open about my life. Compared to years prior, I went into 2017 feeling like openness was becoming a way of life for me...I mean, I wasn't hiding anything. But a conversation in late May with a close friend revealed that wasn't the case. He challenged me to start letting love in, to begin to live as though I had nothing to be afraid of and nothing to lose. To start serving God with abandon, no matter the cost. And that challenge forever altered my future. I began to see that honesty may hurt sometimes, but it will always be worth the price. I have since found myself having to have some hard conversations with others, having to speak up for my beliefs and convictions and yet looking to God for the courage to say what needed to be said. Honesty means you're not ashamed of who you are or where you stand. You live life openly. And this year, I've started to feel what that's like.
This year made me more unafraid - I've known for awhile that fear has run my life for most of my life. And I've tried to get real about it. But this year was a turning point. A few brave friends demonstrated their love to me in ways I'll never be able to fully grasp or repay, and that wrecked me in the best way possible. Early in the summer, I was hit by the realization that fear was a barrier between me and those around me. I was afraid of being fully known because I was afraid to be fully loved. I had let people in to a point, but then I would keep them out. Because I was afraid people who said they cared would end up leaving. It had happened many times before...and all I was left with were empty promises and questions that never got answered. And so the best way I could think of to cope was to live guarded. To stay distant. To not let others in too close. Just on the off-chance... I learned not to trust. But then came along some special people who didn't promise me anything regarding our friendship - they just lived out their love. They just showed me that I could trust them. Always. With anything. And when I kept on holding back, they finally addressed my fear and showed me they loved me for who I am but care too much to let me stay that way. This emboldened me to start facing life unafraid. To live large. To open the heart to those who are truly your friends.
This year made me notice who my real friends are - Because I began to live life loved, I began to see what real friendship looks like. As I saw friends demonstrate love by their timely prayers, words of wisdom, acts of caring (even when unasked)...all these things added up so that I started to see that real friends don't always tell you how they intend to impact your life. They don't promise you they'll be there forever. But they show you day in and day out that they love you. Just for you. Just as you are. Flaws and all. And they show you by their own living that they want you to become better. They aren't afraid to get involved in your messy...because the Jesus they serve isn't afraid to get involved in their own messy. They love like Jesus loves. They are His hands and feet. And this distinction for me between those who are your acquaintances versus your friends and then your lifers, has allowed me to have an open heart and open hand regarding who is meant to be in my life. If they aren't meant to stay, then it's okay to let them go. To free them to move on. Those who truly love you will never leave. No matter how hard it gets.
This year made me accept hard things - I've had to accept some hard things this year: three friends from years past committing suicide, a friend dying from cancer, another friend being diagnosed as "terminal" with an incurable cancer, friends moving...and then a job change, a long-lost relative entering my life for the first time...so many things that can make one wonder whose in control! But through it all, God has dealt patiently with this fearful one and made me realize that even the hard things are His blessings in disguise for what they teach us about ourselves and how they cause us to depend on Him. I've had to learn to not hold on so tightly. To let go when God says to. To not control life so fiercely but to trust more deeply. To appreciate the unchangables in my life and to keep on saying "yes" to Jesus - even when it hurts.
This year made me slow down - For the last few years, work and other responsibilities forced me into living life in the fast lane. As much as I tried to separate everything, I began to live the business-world life: always focused on the next deadline, always chasing the next goal, always on the run. And I began to lose me. I began to miss the miracles. I began to cease noticing the blessings. And I began to live un-thankful. Late this year, some changes in my job and re-focusing on my part in my spiritual life allowed me to regain my perspective and, for that, I am eternally grateful. I'm determined never to let my life get that way again. I felt like I missed so much.
There is so much more I could list, but these are the main things that impacted me personally in 2017. I'd love to hear how this year changed you, as well. Heading into a new year with this perspective on the old, lets keep on trusting God to build on what He started in us this past 12 months and get excited for all the ways He'll do even more in 2018!!
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