Stop The Pretending!

 Stop. The. Pretending. 

It's been a phrase on my mind for awhile now as I've fought to return to the heart of who I am, was made to be, and desire to become. And I'm noticing the many forces have shaped my identity... not all of which have been positive. I've spoken in recent weeks about finding freedom, of opening up about how false expectations nearly ruined me and controlling personalities nearly killed me and why I'm slowly, surely taking back emotional territory from those who never had my best interests at heart. 

But now I'm seeing that beyond the obvious symptoms and repercussions I've bourn as a result of others' immaturity, I can now add pretending to the list. 

I already knew something about pretending prior to this, though... 

In my early years, when I knew nothing about how to handle emotions or how to suffer well, putting up a mask and faking fine seemed like the easiest thing to do. For most of my teens and early twenties, this was my coping mechanism for almost everything... just make others think you're okay (even when you're really not) and everything will then be okay. Fool people long enough and they'll never suspect anything is wrong. 

Around the time when I came to Christ, I laid down my pretending because I saw that He could look right through me and knew everything and I had no reason anymore to keep hiding both the best and the worst of myself. I could trick others but I could never trick God. And so began my journey toward a more honest, open, and authentic life. 

My years of working with a certain ministry and the connections I made in my time there certainly helped as I labored from that place of love and transparency, committed to making others feel heard and seen and remembering what it felt like to live in the shadows myself. I determined never to go back to pretending in my life ever again. 

But strangely enough, I did... 

Just over a year ago, waking up to the fact that the control, criticism, toxicity, immaturity, and misjudgment of others forced me into another act of pretending was harsh. I had to fake that my job was the best thing ever while I knew, behind the scenes, that flawed leadership was causing great dysfunction and pain for those involved. I had to "tone down" my personality and my style because some were convinced that I was a perceived threat to their endeavors. I felt I had to hide and keep the truth from some because I didn't want to disrespect or disappoint certain people. I told myself I needed to make excuses for and cover for others' immaturity out of "respect" for their positions and "covering over a multitude of sins." 

In other aspects of my life, I felt I had to pretend that certain relationships were on better footing than they were, leading me to keep hiding how I really felt and not speak up for the truth in love. My loyalty kept me dancing with dysfunction when in reality, I needed to walk away and start afresh. It was terribly painful (and angering!) to realize that I had inadvertently, because of other's pressure and my own blindness, resumed the pretending after I had so adamantly vowed to myself I never would.

 Misplaced commitment and unhealthy relationships can cause you to do some pretty extreme things that don't seem like the real you and can make you violate certain parts of yourself that, deep down, you really know you should protect and stand up for better. 

Over time, I've started to understand that part of God's call for my future - for all of all futures! - is to stop the pretending. Stop the acting. Step into the abundance of a life lived with vulnerability and honesty and truthfulness, both with ourselves and with others as well as with the Creator Himself. God's whole kingdom is built on the invitation to come as you are, not as you pretend to be or even want to be. The message of the cross is that you are loved in your worst while also inspired to become your best. That the welcome of God isn't based on whether or not you can clean up who you are and get yourself together before you enter into His presence. His welcome is, unlike any others', unconditional. 

Journeying with the Master means that it's alright to not be alright. Doing life with Jesus means that we can let down our guard and express how we really feel and show who we truly are. We don't have to hide a thing - our stories, our past, our emotions, our thoughts - we can be fully known and fully accepted no. matter. what. The Savior's message to us at all times is, "Come! Come right where you are, as you are, no matter where you've been before, and I will love you to the end. If I call you to be Mine, you are Mine forever and without question. You can let go of the act because I see you and I know you and I love you just the way you are. And I even love you enough that I don't want you to stay that way but I desire you to grow and change and open up even more. Just know you are enough for Me - always." 

All this makes me wonder something profound: if the whole idea behind relationship with Jesus is to come and be accepted as you are and not as you pretend to be, then doesn't it make sense that all of us, on some level, are responsible for helping each other in our own human relationships to stop the pretending, too? That all the trust we build between one another should ultimately lead us to a place of safety and understanding where we know we can drop the act and be loved regardless of your baggage or your secrets or your struggles? 

This week, I just want to encourage you (as I'm encouraging myself!) to stop the pretending in your own life. Hiding your true self under the pressure of others only robs the world of the best you have to offer. Attempting to cover for unhealthy behavior in others and pretending certain relationships or situations are better than they really are divides your heart and prevents you from seeing things clearly and taking necessary steps to face reality in the circumstances. And trying to get yourself together and clean your mess up before you approach God is failing to realize that cleaning up messes is what He does best. 

However you're pretending, I say it's time to get real - get real with yourself, your circumstances, the people around you, and God also. Get real about how bad things really are... yes, it's okay to actually say that out loud! Get real about the truth and desire transparency and honesty at all costs. None of us needs to be walking around masking our actual feelings and thoughts and difficulties just because we've convinced ourselves that pretending is the easiest option. 

The Psalmist wasn't wrong when He said that God desires truth in the inward parts (Psalm 51:6) and this means that He's waiting for us to reach a place where our commitment to reality is so strong that we're not willing to put up with certain things about ourselves and others any longer. Yes, to love is to "cover over a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8) but this doesn't mean that it ignores toxicity or unhealthy behavior either. Forgiveness is one thing; tolerating dysfunction is another entirely. 

And so here's my admission once and for all: I'm done pretending. And somehow, in some way, I hope and pray you are, too.