Hope For When You Think You're Too Hurt To Make A Difference

 Ever been surprised at how you touched somebody else in your own worst moments? Yeah...me too. 

The other night, I went along at my mom's request as she was to have dinner with some of her old high school friends whom she hadn't seen in many years. Upon arriving at the restaurant, we were surprised to find out that another person who had connections with her hometown and community growing up was also there; however, my mom had never met him and only heard about him through other mutual friends. His wife walked up as she came back from the restroom, and our jaws just about dropped on the floor...

Eleven years ago, when my dad was fighting for his life in the hospital, this lady had been the nutritionist at the recovery center where he spent seven of his fourteen weeks under medical care. We had only seen her once or twice in all the years since then. We threw our arms around each other and embraced. She was so delighted to see us. We were also to see her. We couldn't get over it. It was a God-arranged moment. 

Later on, she and I had an opportunity to talk and she told me how she remembers my mom and I and how crucial she believes our love was in pulling dad through his ordeal. She said that we had left an indelible mark on her life and the lives of many of the staff and that she was so impressed with our family and eighteen-year-old me. I had to be honest with her that so much of that time is a blur to me. I felt like a was a walking shell of a person most of the time, devoid of any ability to love well or help anyone because I was hurting too much. Yet she assured me, the Light inside still shown through...

When your one heart feels like it just might break into a million pieces...when you feel as though you have nothing left and are running on empty...God still speaks. God still shows up even when you think you're the least desirable vessel for Him to use. Light still penetrates the darkness - even your own. God never stops. God never fails. God is always moving in us, through us. 

Talking with this doctor brought back so many memories for me that I realize I've compartmentalized. I've struggled for over a decade to accept that chapter of my story as part of my story. While I know that I can't deny or ignore its presence in my journey of faith and life, there is still a part of me that hates to go back and re-live that time in my past. It's in the past. I don't wish to go back there. But God still keeps having moments like this that force me to. 

The doctor talked to me about the fact that, in all her years of practicing medicine, my dad's miraculous story is one that stands out. Miracles always do. But sometimes we're so caught up in the trauma that we miss them. We're too focused on the pain to notice the blessings...

Whenever we make the human choice to look away from Christ...whenever we decide that our problems deserve more of our attention than our Provider...whenever we gaze at the overwhelming depths of our struggles and forget the Savior who rides through the storm with us...we tell ourselves that it is not well with our souls and we become like the disciples who cry out that they are dying when Christ is right there in full control. Our spiritual amnesia causes us to dis-believe Him and think that we are sinking when, in reality, we are being held up, sustained, preserved. The absence of faith always makes one look the wrong direction. Gives one blind eyes to what God's really doing and what He's truly after in our situation. 

During the worst nightmare of my life all those years ago, perhaps God did more than I realize. Even as I battled fierce doubts about His love, my worth, and His ultimate plan for my life, there was enough Light within to cause others to see a difference. To give them hope. And from that hard season of my story came a message and a drive to convey purpose and truth and grace to other hurting souls in their biggest hour of need. Just perhaps it all began sooner than I realized... 

If you're feeling like you're too hurt to make a difference, let this give you faith - God always does His best work through people who feel like they've got nothing left. When the depths of your heart have been emptied of all they hold and then some, remember that God is always up to something good...even when you least recognize or believe it. We see things in present time and space whereas God sees them in light of eternity and future outcomes. He will always redeem our worst moments for His ultimate glory and, someday down the road, you just may be surprised at how He's done it.