Choose Your Own Happiness

 It was Victor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, who once noted that the one thing mankind cannot have taken away from them is the ability "to choose one's own way." Among the last of the human freedoms, he said, was the decision "to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances."He added that part of what determined how he endured the atrocities of the Nazi concentration camps was this daily, hourly choice of whether or not he would be robbed of his very self, his inner freedom. And perhaps one of the most critical concepts that revolutionized my mental health journey was simply this: the power to choose. Once I woke up this simple yet profound idea, it honestly changed everything for me.   

I don't think most of us set out to live with a victim mentality. To have our lives defined and determined by the behaviors and words of other people. To revolve around our circumstances and have them dictate our quality of living. I don't think we mean to do that. However... over time, something starts to shift and we begin to believe that our peace centers around something other than our own choice. Even if we truly do not intend to or think we possess a victim mindset, it can so easily slip into that without our noticing. For instance, when we say things like "so-and-so made me mad," we're giving power right into the hands of the other person and their actions when really, the truth is we chose to get upset and allow the other's actions or words to play on our emotions. Or we say "as long as you're happy, I'm happy," leaving our personal joy at the whim of someone else's feelings. Or we tell ourselves that "if only such-and-such were different in my life, then I could be satisfied." The reality is that satisfaction depends on your own expectations and not on your situation. Wishing for the circumstances to change just so you can feel comfortable and be okay is failing to understand that most of the time, life won't be as ideal as we want it. 

See, as soon as we make our happiness contingent on outward dynamics and people rather than making up our own minds that we will choose our own way regardless of situations, we are falling into the trap of thinking our personal calm and joy revolves around the external instead of the internal. And that can very quickly spiral into a victim mindset: this isn't going well for me... they said such-and-such... I'm feeling a certain way because he/she/they did whatever... and therefore, I can't be happy. I can't have a good day. I've got to sit here and brood now because this circumstantial thing that happened messed up my vibe and took my peace. Now, I'm certainly not dismissing that there are times when outward situations and other people's actions do indeed create wounds. There are truly tragic and difficult things that occur in life that should be properly processed and grieved. I've done plenty of this myself through the years. 

What I am saying, though, is that a shift happened for me once I noticed that a lot of the things I let take my joy and disrupt my mental state were things I allowed to do so. Not to say they weren't still awkward or wrong or shouldn't have happened, but I stayed stuck in them a lot longer than I needed to because I had given over control of my peace to that person or situation rather than making the choice sooner to process, forgive, let go, and move forward. The trick was that the hurt could still be there, but I could choose to find a centered space of hope and truth in the midst of whatever had happened and not get hung up on something and let it drive deep into the inner recesses of my soul. I have the ability to make my own choice as to how I respond and what I do with the things that bother, inconvenience, or hurt me. 

Unexpected, hurtful, and downright odd things are just part of the makeup of life. Of course, we'd rather they not happen. They mess things up big time. They altar relationships and plans and just plain ruin the good vibe on any given day. It's what makes up the complexities of doing life in a broken world with imperfect individuals. And, while we'd certainly wish to avoid them, they also carry with them an opportunity to exercise our personal sovereignty and realize that we are separate from the situation. Still affected by it, yes. But separate. Just because something external is going on or someone outside of us said or did something that changed everything, doesn't mean we have to shackle ourselves with a bitterness, resentment, frustration, obligation, and co-dependency. Your happiness and well-being isn't tied to anyone or anything else - you get to decide.  

The situations or actions that bring about this moments of choice are often unplanned and yes, they will catch us by surprise. Yes, they will hurt or, at the very least, inconvenience or annoy us in some way. But the path forward lies in asking the question: what does this make possible? The action or event has happened, and I had no control over that. But now, I'm presented with the choice as to what I will do with this now that it has occurred. How will I carry this moving forward? How will I forgive or process what has taken place? How will I, once again, rediscover my peace and my joy? Because, at the end of the day, it's all up to you as to what happens next. And your response - the choice you make - just may determine years of your life and whether or not you walk in health. 

The science doesn't lie: countless studies show the impact on overall physical well-being when individuals harbor internal anger and unprocessed feelings, and continue to lick old wounds. Blood pressure issues, heart problems, breathing distress, sleep disturbance, elevated risk for disease, depression, and so many other things come into play simply because a person is unwilling to disentangle themselves from someone or something in their past or present that they are toxically tied to. Memories, voices, limiting beliefs, hurts... it's all fuel to our victim's fire unless we make the decision to go a different way. And this is where the Truth doesn't lie either: "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones" (Proverbs 17:22). 

Fallible people will say and do regrettable and hurtful things. Life will bring a million challenges that test our patience and attempt to take our peace. Even the simplest things like getting stuck in traffic or minor inconveniences can be framed as stuff that's "out to get us," until we make the bold and brave decision that we will own our happiness. That we will take control over our attitude and decide how we will deal with the painful, awkward happenings of life. Just because something went sideways or someone else has a bad attitude doesn't mean you have to. Just because life sucks doesn't mean you have to let yourself become bitter and resentful.

A lot can be taken from you but this one thing remains:  You get to choose. Always.