Sunset-Beauty

 One thing I always look forward to as Fall starts to hit Alaska are the beautiful sunsets. Beginning in late August, as the daylight grows ever shorter and the evenings are dark enough to finally see a proper sunset, the skies light up with ribbons of color - pinks overlaying golden hues, deep shades of purples, violets, and blues - all pointing to just a hint of the glory of their Creator-Artist and His exceptional love of all things pleasing to the eye and soul. Whether from the windows of my own home or while driving around, if I'm looking at that 7-8:30pm time, I know I'm in for a real show on a crisp, clear Autumn night. 

Recently, I've been treated to two magnificent sunsets - probably a couple of the most vibrant I've ever seen. I don't know why but they've just seemed particularly special and colorful, captivating my gaze as I've taken all the beauty in and felt a little healing in my heart. Maybe part of the reason I've been especially touched and taken by these skies aflame is because I'm living through my own internal season of sunsets. It's felt of late like there have been a lot of endings and changes, most of which I didn't really ask for or want. Relationships have been shaking and shifting... including ones I felt for a long time where solid... and it's been getting ever clearer to me that I can't take certain people or certain patterns or certain situations with me into the new chapters I feel God calling me to chase. 

This can be the hard part of healing. Once you know the steps you have to take and begin to move in that direction, not everyone can or will come along with you. For months now, it's like I've been walking through an exposure of sorts that's just been bringing out things in people I know that haven't been particularly pleasant. It's like all of a sudden, there's this natural distance that's been forming between me and even some of my own family or closest friends. And I'm realizing that it's because my journey is somehow peeling back something painful in them that they are afraid to address. My steps toward wholeness are showcasing their own brokenness and it's easier to lash out or to withdraw than to trust that Grace will be there to catch you when you fall. 

It pains me to see it all coming down to this. I wish with everything in me that I could just bring along these dear ones and have them see and feel all that I'm seeing and feeling and want that for themselves. But shame is a mean captor. Fear is a dangerous thief. And unless you let the Light into those spaces where you've most wanted to hide, you'll choose to run or attack rather than be drawn into a place where all burdens can be laid down and peace can be found. It's taken me years to learn and it may take someone else years too... years that I can't always wait around for when I must continue healing myself. 

Now, this conclusion doesn't mean that I care any less for the ones I'm referring to. It breaks my heart to watch the redefining of our relationships as we've always known them and realize they'll never be the same. It is my prayer that someday, perhaps they'll be better and stronger than ever. Maybe they'll catch up sometime and decide that this pathway to recovery and redemption is what they desire for themselves, and I'll be their biggest cheerleader along the way. But then again, maybe not. I'm having to accept that perhaps the relationship as it's always been may never feel that way again because they may decide it's too hard to keep coming with me. And I'm learning to value my own journey enough that I will let them go in order to be true to the direction I've been led to go. 

Sunsets are associated with endings and Heaven knows I've had my fair share of them. In fact, in all honesty, my entire adult life has felt like one giant string of endings that I'm still figuring out how to make peace with. But these recent sunsets are teaching me that even endings can be beautiful, too. Even the hardest goodbyes may be laced with hidden grace and the letting go may hold tender mercies in the midst of the pain. Just as the day's farewell brings with it some of its most vibrant colors and expansive awe, so too do the endings I'm walking through offer me opportunities to see special glory that can only be silhouetted against the darkening sky. And the hope that I hold is the assurance that the same Light will be back tomorrow to mark another day of opening to Grace. 

Eyes scan across and take in colorful hues while hands open and heart beats the truth that even here, all is well. It's not easy and it's not painless, but sometimes you know deep inside that you can't not go this way. And so you tried up, upheld by an unchanging God who knows the starts from the finishes and will redeem it all into the good story of your life only He can write.