Some Thoughts About Friends...

 I've spent a lot of time this summer thinking about friendship. For various reasons, I've received some surprising insights into where I stand with certain relationships in my life the last few months, and it's gotten me reflecting and asking some questions about why our ability to make and maintain good, quality connections for the long haul has become so weak. The scientific studies are showing that our sense of communal awareness and our intentionality with keeping our friends is declining by the decade, and our inner loneliness is only growing with time. We have a societal problem with connection, and it's really starting to show.    

But the thing that's shocked me the most is that even with relationships that are pretty solid and built on good faith and trust, those aren't always lasting either. Even when you bond over mutual interests or shared spirituality or common memories, that isn't even enough these days to necessarily keep people close. We are drifting and allowing ourselves to lose really quality people in our lives whose influence could do (and has already done) a lot for us. We live in the most connected age in history where we can interact with each other at all hours of the day through text, FaceTime, social media, and the like... yet, we are also becoming the most disconnected age in history because we are losing touch with what actually keeps friendships in the first place. And, as someone who is intensely loyal and has grown up in a family that keeps their friends for decades, I find this very hard to believe and honestly, quite sad. 

Then I came across a quote from a wise African runner who said, "A community is a group of people who agree to grow together" and I haven't been able to get away from that since. If togetherness is fostered by a certain level of agreement and commitment from both parties, then one side can't be solely responsible for sustaining the friendship. There has to be a mutual consensus on what this connection is meant for and also a shared intentionality on keeping it that way - each honoring their end of the agreement. The Bible certainly supports this idea as it questions in Amos 3:3, "Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?" Perhaps part of our societal problem is we don't realize that friendship is an agreement of sorts... at all! We begin connections without understanding that we're now entering into a covenant of sorts where we've committed to doing life with and supporting one another. To do that takes time and effort; without each putting in their share, that friendship will begin to fizzle out. 

Closely associated with that, I don't think we understand that friendship - real, biblically-based, authentic friendship - is sacred in a way. You are entering each other's lives with a desire for certain things and are now accountable and obligated to deliver on those stated or unstated promises and desires. We are making room at our table for someone whom we have decided to care about. We have each agreed to earn one another's trust and to put confidence in each other over time that we will continue to give and receive from each other what we initially hoped for. Often, in the beginning of a friendship, we have high hopes and dreams for what we expect or want this connection to be. We make lots of plans and look forward to spending time with or talking to that other person with the purpose of getting to know them. But, as with any connection, unless we keep fostering that bond, growing that trust, and finding ways to keep that initial interest alive, soon that early spark will fade and we can become complacent in the relationship. Just as with a love interest, you must keep "dating" your friends in the sense that you keep learning about them, keep finding ways to express your care for them, look for opportunities to deepen your connection with them or make memories together that will keep you close. 

I have also come to realize that we often promise things in friendships that we can't always deliver on. We're good at saying we should get together more often or do a certain thing or make some shared interest or dream happen, but we're not always realistic about whether or not we can (or more likely will) actually come through on that promise or guarantee. This summer, I've had two situations where people had led me to believe our friendship was at a certain spot, making me assume that certain behaviors or actions would follow and back up that claim of connection. However, when it came down to it, for various reasons, nobody followed through. I had to step back and say, "Okay then. Now I see where we really stand. I still care for you, but don't call me your 'good friend' or say that 'we're family' when your actions tell me otherwise. Don't set me up for a letdown here. Make the other person's expectations match where you realistically can keep the friendship well." 

With all of this in mind, there's gotten to be one overarching truth that I've discovered. It's incredibly obvious, especially to a person of faith, but it's really the one comforting thing I've found along the way: Jesus is the greatest friend. He is the model of what honest and authentic connection looks like because He's the perfect and flawless example of how we're supposed to treat and relate to others. While none of us can match His level, it is to our shame not to try. In looking at Him, we can see Someone who bears our griefs, faithfully and attentively shows up for us every single day, instinctively knows our needs or wants before we even ask, understands us better than we do ourselves, never fails to contribute positively to our lives, never goes back on His word, and stays with us to the end. When fellow humans let us down, Jesus never will. And sometimes, when you're going through a season where it feels like all your friendships are changing, being able to come back to the reliable God and remember that He's there for you in ways others never can be is comforting. 

We need to get better at friendship... without a doubt! Our society as a whole will fail to exist in a healthy way unless we start becoming more intentional about cultivating lasting relationships that build up and maintain solid lives for the betterment of the whole. Even other cultures are better at this than in the western part of the world! Somehow, we need to get off the hamster wheel of busyness, stop making excuses for why we can't make time for the people who matter most, and start fostering the kinds of friendships that can literally hold our lives together sometimes when things get hard. We need to gather people around us who will share both our joys and sorrows instead of just be there when or how they feel like it. We need to let our words and actions sync up so that what we say we'll bring to the relationship is what we'll strive to actually do. We need to have less disappointment in friendships and more fulfillment. I want to see more stories of people who are still journeying together after 30 years instead of going separate ways in 5-10. Those people you build history with become the ones you cherish the most when it's all said and done and, as someone who has lost a lot of people in my life, I can promise you that it really is true that tomorrow isn't guaranteed, and I don't want you to live with a bunch of regrets along the way because you let some things get in the way of the people you most want and need along the road. 

And the good news is, you can start by doing something about this problem today! All it takes is maybe a quick text to let someone close to you know that you appreciate them or maybe a call to ask if you can get to know them better and spend more intentional time together. All it takes is gathering up the courage to adjust your life a bit in order to create the space and time to mutually connect. All it takes is sometimes being better at responding faster when someone reaches out to you or extends the hand of friendship in your direction. It's really not hard and, the truth is, at the end of our lives it's often the people whom we remember and value the most, not the money we earned or the career we built or the major wins we had. Let's aim to do something about this growing relational issue by doing our part to make sure the negative cycle stops with us. The more purposeful we are about the important people around us, I think we'll be surprised at the results.