Finding Freedom

Several weeks ago, I shared on my Instagram some thoughts on a specific aspect of my mental health journey I’d previously left unspoken. I talked about how coming to this place of acknowledgement with this un-named part of my past had brought me great inner liberation… like a bird suddenly let out of a cage of limitation. 

See, what I’d failed to realize up until then is that, for most of my life, I had lived a captive. And not the type you’d think. Oddly enough, many people had talked to me for years like I needed to be set free from something, someone, or someplace. I’d heard all the options, suggestions, and opinions regarding higher education choices, career moves, my dating life, my place of residence… It was as though they could sense something in me that hadn’t found its voice or its place yet. But what they failed to realize is that the issue was bigger than just my personal decisions. In my case, though I didn’t realize it, I wasn’t captive to a religious system or a bad home-life or any of the things most might think of. Instead, I was captive to expectations. And so the continuous stream of criticism, ideas, and redirections slowly but steadily drowned out the one voice I most needed to hear: God’s voice. 

For a time, I figured maybe taking everyone’s advice and doing what they said would fix the problem… or at least it would get them to back off and leave my choices alone. But had I done this, nothing would’ve changed. And here is why: changing locations or careers or churches or any of the things they proposed would have done me no good because I would’ve still been bound by the idea that who I innately am is never enough. 

I used to struggle with the fact that putting my family first when my dad nearly lost his life multiple times due to health complications or helping to get mental and emotional assistance to struggling military veterans, helping children fall in love with music, or serving in my community was somehow inferior to the life others had envisioned for me - one that included a position, a title, more money, and greater independence. Something deep inside me told me that life wasn’t for me and yet, the expectations kept on growing and growing, and the pressure mounted year after year. 

When I accepted a working position within a Christian non-profit several years ago, part of me felt like I’d finally arrived: I got to have everything that everyone had wanted for me and finally, I had earned some respect from them because my life now looked more like there’s. I enjoyed what I did and felt extremely satisfied with the quality of results I was helping the organization to produce. But there was another side to the story: just because I now attended board meetings and got a commission and was representing a large ministry didn’t mean I was free from the expectations. Because now, the expectations came from within my job and at an even higher cost. 

For close to a decade, I “emptied the tank,” so-to-speak, for this organization and the cause I greatly loved. But the heaviness of feeling like I couldn’t satisfy anyone kept following me no matter how much success I achieved. Unrealistic expectations from a small group within the ministry’s staff led to some confrontations and painful experiences which I now can identify as major leadership fails. These resulted in what I now know to be verbal and emotional abuse. Over time, it became a toxic environment for me to keep working in, leaving me exhausted and progressively silenced. Added onto years of dealing with others’ expectations and feeling like I always fell short, this proved to be the last straw. I was physically and emotionally losing my way and drifting further away from who I really am and the God-given mission I’d been called to… simply because I allowed myself to be controlled and manipulated by unhealthy people who could not see me and my gifts for who and what they really were. 

And so, a couple of years ago, I made the difficult yet necessary decision to step away and resign. The fact that the little girl in me who used to be so very confident, who didn’t know a stranger, who dreamed big and felt no limitations, was now a shell of herself and had long been abandoned in favor of the version others decided for me I needed to be was a reality I could no longer ignore. Thus, the search for understanding and a rediscovery of myself began. It was then that I came to the realization that un-named things had to be addressed and called out in order for me to heal and find a new way forward. 

Over the past year, I have come to embrace my place as a survivor and have slowly disentangled myself from this lifelong battle with expectations. My strength as a loyal person led me to remain in situations where I could have and should have walked away sooner. And I’ve had to work through the regret of not seeing the toxicity in these situations earlier. This process has been both hard and uncomfortable, especially considering that it’s necessitated some endings in my life that were incredibly difficult. It’s required having hard conversations, particularly with those who were part of the problem but were too unhealthy themselves to see why an ending was needed. It’s asked of me greater strength and resolve than I even knew I had within me to set boundaries and learn how to protect both my God-given mission and the best of myself so that I can give toward people and opportunities where my influence will be welcomed and received. It’s pushed me to go find that little girl inside me who’s just been waiting all these years to stop being hidden and come out into the open once again. That part of me that knows who she is but just quit listening to her own intuition because the world got its hands on her and told her it wasn’t okay. That she wasn’t okay. 

All those people through my life were right about one thing: I was needing freedom in my life but it wasn’t the freedom they were thinking. It was the freedom to be my authentic self. To not be ashamed of the person I am or the way I see the world. To embrace all the beautiful qualities within me and go take those unabashedly into a hurting world so that others may thrive. I’ve found freedom not because I listened to them but actually, because I didn’t. Trying to be accepted among them nearly cost me my health and my vitality - mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. And such is the cost when we place human wisdom above God’s. 

Bit by bit, I’m understanding that only God has the right to name me and tell me who and what I am. I am not all the things others called me or framed me as or accused me of. I am not the version of myself that they tried to paint me as for such a long time. I am simply me - the girl who is tender-hearted, compassionate. Who loves people to the bitter end, even when they’ve given up on themselves or others. Who is loyal to a fault. Who has great instincts and uses them to create amazing experiences and who loves to bring the color, interest, sparkle, and vitality into a place devoid of it and help bring despairing souls back to life. Who has a gift for resurrecting and rebuilding failing things and infusing them with passion and hope. I am the girl who finds beauty in dark and dreary places because she and God have walked through many a hardship together and come out the other side. I am the girl who still has dreams and a heart that wants to be open to love and life. Who is now rebuilding her life and her circle so that she can exist in greater transparency and vulnerability and be her honest and real self without judgement or having to keep on earning the trust of those around her. She is starting to lose that shell that built up around her and realize that she is a wonderful person and she is greatly treasured by those who choose to see her for who she really is. And most importantly, she is delighting in herself because she knows that God delights in her more. 

Why do I share this now? Because, after a year of living with the lessons and revelations I’ve had about verbal and emotional abuse, about finding yourself sinking in a sea of expectations which you can never meet, of being falsely portrayed and pushed to live a life that isn’t yours to live just because you can’t stand up to someone and tell them who you really are and find the courage to make a change… after all that, I’m seeing now that maybe some of you find yourselves in this same boat, too. You’ve wrestled with these same emotions and are maybe stepping out of a toxic environment of your own. Are trying to break free of these entanglements so that you can release yourself to go chase the life God wants you to live and not the one others have forced you into. Perhaps you are in the stages of figuring out for yourself what greatness and success looks like for you and not those around you that were merely in love with a version of you that didn’t actually exist. 

If this is you right now (or maybe somebody you know), take it from me that finding freedom outside these controlling expectations and the manipulation and unhealthy behavior that comes with them is worth it. I will tell you right away that it won’t be easy: I’ve spent the better part of 13 months now reading and learning and growing and taking action in areas that are very much unnatural for me and require a ton of bravery and faith. But the results have been transformative and that’s what keeps me going. 

I admit that I will always be uncovering new conclusions and perspectives related to my story and that my journey is far from over in terms of figuring out how to forgive and move forward with the heart-breaking things I’ve had to hear and experience from those who forced an agenda on me I was never meant to carry and then tried to make it my fault when I refused to take it any longer. While I hold no resentment toward these people, I am well aware that their actions have proved to be detrimental to me in many ways and I am still processing the pain. Even though I absolved myself of the misplaced guilt and scapegoat tactics that were used on me, I still live with the scars of what happened… and I always will in a way. But just because my heart was wounded doesn’t mean their choices and their words and their actions have to continue to have power over my life. And that’s where the change has come. A change only God could’ve given me the strength and the grace to make. 

God is fully able and willing to help you make the same changes if you’ll let Him. He doesn't want you stuck in relationships and situations where the best of you is being compromised and you aren’t able to shine as your created and beautiful self. I don’t want that for you either. God promised us “life abundant” and is ready to give that to us, but there are certain steps we have to take in order to cooperate with Him in that process. It won’t be easy or pain-free, and we’ll likely disappoint and upset some people along the way, but we’ll discover the joy of living within the blessing and approval of God which, I’m coming to see, is the only acceptance that truly matters. 

The Bible promises that the one whom Jesus sets free is free indeed and I’m thankful to say that, one year on, I’m more free today than I’ve ever been. I didn't have to go anywhere else in order to find it, and I’m only getting started. I hope the same can be said of you one day, too.