Holding Our Stories

 I'm on my way to the local greenhouse to pick out some flowers to brighten up the yard. Spring and summer in these arctic parts are all about color - of new life and bursts of hope after a cold, dark winter and a friend's recent text reminded me that all this busting out of dormant things is reflective of my soul. 

I'm only just getting to know her - this new friend - yet there's already a shared language between us. A knowing of where we've been and where we're going and an understanding that we'd rather go there with Jesus, no matter how hard it is, than to go there without Him. 

As sun warms and the first real heat-day of Spring has arrived, I'm reflecting on relationships.... ugly-beautiful things that they are. It's a true wonder that, for all the baggage and broken we bring into them, somehow we manage to Grace-fully make them work. It is all Grace because God knows I don't know what I'm doing and I'd bet most of the time, those I do life with don't really either. We're all just a bunch of fractured ones trying to bumble our way through life and figure it all out as we go. And sometimes, that means relationship hurts. 

I think of the rabbi I was listening to recently who talked about the difference between relationships that last and those that don't - that so much of our connections now are transactional: what can you do for me? when what real community is built around is covenantal: what can I do for you and what can we together do for Him?

Jesus Himself set the pattern when we often asked people who came to Him for healing, "What do you want me to do for you?" Not that He needed to know their need since He already did, but He wanted them to say it out loud and to know that His loving hands were there to catch their story and hold it. 

This is perhaps where we often miss it when it comes to deep relationship, regardless of the context of connection: when we make the choice to attach ourselves to one another, we don't just commit to sharing common interests or mutually getting along, although that certainly is a part of it; rather, we're committing to holding each other's stories. To holding each other's joys and griefs of life... gently, lovingly. 

By deciding to become involved with you on some level, I am letting you know that I am willing to inherit the entirety of your journey. That all the ups and downs that have gone into making you who you are now, I'm okay taking those on. Helping you bear and shoulder your burdens. Helping you not have to carry that story alone. 

Although maybe sometimes we treat it like it is, it's really not enough to just agree to be relational without agreeing to go deep. Without being willing to be open books and to have open hands that are accepting of whatever things we each might ask the other to hold... even being willing sometimes to hold the story for someone while they figure out how to hold it for themselves. 

I've heard it said that, if the Church was doing what it should be doing, we wouldn't even need counselors because we'd all be giving one another what we need most - a loving, safe place to be our most vulnerable selves and to live out our stories in all their drama and ecstasy while always being ready to help move those stories forward - onward towards healing and abundant life - and never throwing another burden in the path or closing our hands and pushing another's story away. 

Inside the greenhouse, I look around at all the overwhelming spectacle of flowered color. So many types and shapes and designs. And I realize that this is humanity in its purest form as well - all kinds with all stories that are unique to them, regardless of race, gender, age, or background. Sad that it's somehow okay for us to appreciate the blend of flowers but have difficulty accepting the blend of people and their journeys. 

And just maybe this is the key to figuring out how to do relationship well: simply take what's in front of you and just go love that person fully. Do what you do when looking at the flowers - read the label to find out if this is a "full sun" plant or a "full shade" or something in between. Get to know what the flower likes and take in all its beautiful features. Ask questions of the precious soul God's put in your path at the moment and welcome whatever they will give you. Make them feel seen and heard. And best of all, make them feel chosen and known... as if they are the most important thing to you at that moment. 

After all, we're all operating with some level of love-deficient and God gives us each other to be His conduits for helping to provide us with what we need. To be fallible but usable avenues of grace and hope without judgement and without hypocrisy. 

What do you want me to do for you? What do you most need? These are the questions we need to be asking when we approach getting into relationship with others. True, you may find your own needs being met along the way and everybody comes out a winner in some fashion but the goal isn't to just build a connection because you're desperate but to build a connection because you're both desperate for God. And you're both trying your best to be His hands and feet to each other while you walk this road. 

I want to be the type of person who is known for being willing to help others hold their stories, and I want to journey with those who are willing to hold mine. For to do so, according to Paul, is the fulfillment of the law of Christ. Our Christian obedience is tied to our willingness to carry one another's stories without shame and without condemnation. To show up as our Savior did and let someone know that they are all that matters right then. That we have time as He had time. That we have love as He had love. That we have patience as He had patience. That we will listen as He listened. And that no secret is so shocking that we will not sit with others and face it together.