The Hardest Part

 I've been thinking a lot lately about forgiveness... 

Perhaps it's the Easter season now upon us and the ultimate message of redemption fresh on my mind. Or maybe it's just where I'm at personally right now. 

Either way, I'm reflecting a lot on the fact that forgiveness isn't a one-and-done type of thing. Forgiveness is a choice. Daily. For a lifetime. And sometimes it's not the accepted apology or the after-the-fact decision you made to let go that determines whether or not you forgave - it's whether you've continued to let it go long after it happened. 

And I'm realizing that often, the hardest part about forgiveness isn't always doing it for the sake of our enemies or even turning the other cheek. The hardest part is often being able to forgive yourself. 

Forgive yourself for how you responded. Forgive yourself for how it ended. For not seeing it soon enough. For waiting too long. For resisting change when it counted most. For not doing the hard thing when it was necessary. 

No matter the circumstances and even if you indeed released the other party from any bitterness or hard feelings, you can continue to beat yourself up and remind yourself how you failed and how you missed it when it was so obvious. 

And the guilty cycle continues... 

It's funny how even though it can be tough to absolve yourself of the anger, the shame, and the pain associated with having been wounded, it can be even tougher not to turn those feelings inward and begin to be hard on your own soul. To give yourself grace for messing up and not seeing clearly. To accept that simple yet obvious fact that yes, you are indeed human. 

Mind can replay on loop all the reasons why it didn't work out... Why things fell short of expectations. Why the offending one took their own insecurity out on you. Why you took it for so long but were never strong enough to stand up to it. Why you picked convenience over risk and predictable over courage. Why you were too concerned with their response to speak up for your real truth and do what was best for you. 

You can see their face, hear their voice, remember where you were when it all went down: could be your boss, your ex, your child, your parent, your friend, your pastor - you know who they are. And it bugs you constantly. It's like you can't seem to shake the feeling of being hurt...no matter how hard you try. And it's mostly because... you're mad at yourself. Wish you could've done things differently and caught the signals sooner. 

It's true that we may move past the emotions directed at them, but have we really moved past the emotions directed at ourselves? 

I'm wondering if maybe this is part of the "seventy times seven" Jesus spoke about. That it wasn't just about working through the process of accepting an apology or even accepting the hard fact that no apology will happen... but that it's more about learning how to silence the accompanying negative self-beliefs that you were irresponsible, stupid, a failure for having put up with what you did. For not acting proactively earlier. Maybe the healing process is figuring out how to be okay with the fact that you didn't get it right and neither did they and the past has been written the way it is and the only thing you can change is where you go from here. 

The words Jesus spoke on the cross so long ago come to mind as he asked His heavenly Father to forgive his crucifiers for their ignorance. And, in like manner, we do what we can to forgive those who crucify us in this life... Tell us we're not enough. Make us out to be the problem when they themselves actually are. Turn us into fear-run beings who've lost their confidence and self-worth and who learn to harbor the lies inside. 

Yet, we also need to perhaps aim His words at ourselves and pray, "Forgive me... I don't know what I am doing." Because after all, we are just as lost, just as aimless, just as confused, just as needy as those who attempt to kill our hope, take our joy, shame us into oblivion. They don't know what they are doing, and neither do we. 

But the One who hung on that cross so many years ago does, and He showed it by giving His life for the haters, the blamers, the blasphemers, the failures, the outcasts, and the strangers anyway. With arms stretched out in love, He took all our broken stories and placed them on Himself and proved that forgiveness is the way. 

 

Once you realize that nobody is totally right and nobody ever gets it perfect and nobody makes it through without some falls along the way, grace becomes easier to accept. For it's in the falling that we're shown how to rise again. How to embrace the resurrection that follows every death, including the ones we have a hard time letting go of. 

Forgiveness is just as much (if not more so) for you as it is for those who did the hurting. As important as it is to release the hold they've had on your life and let go of whatever bitterness you may have been carrying towards them, it's equally as important to turn loose of any hard feelings you've been aiming at yourself. 

The past is its own history with all its quirks and twists and turns and tragedies, and for all the reasons you may want to rip out certain pages and rewrite the script in your mind, there are no do-overs and actions and words stick and memories remain. While we must acknowledge their existence, it is necessary to leave them in the past and only bring forward the good that came out of them: the lessons learned, the wisdom gained, the strength and growth that resulted. 

As we move through Passion Week and ponder the life, death, burial, and resurrection of the Lord, perhaps this is a moment when we bring our burdens to that cross and decide to stop carrying them. To give ourselves a little kindness and grace and admit that we did the best we could but sometimes, that just isn't enough. To confess that, most of the time, we're all flying by the seat of our pants trying to figure out this thing called life and coming up short more times than we'd like to say. That, in that trial and error process, there are undoubtedly going to be more failures than successes along the way and we'll need to forgive our own weaknesses, our own sins, our own fears over and over and over again. Daily. For a lifetime. 

Maybe today is the time we choose to tell ourselves this is all part of the journey and these failures we can't seem to forgive ourselves for are just further evidence that His sacrifice had to happen. That "with His wounds, we are healed." 

Only by the wounded way can we discover the redemptive way. 

Perhaps you're struggling to tell yourself it's okay that it happened and to forgive yourself for how you could've done it all differently. There's room at the cross for you to cast that burden off. There's more than enough God to empower you to walk in newness of life regardless of your past and to forgive yourself just as He has promised to forgive you. Even if you've released that one who hurt you and even if God has already assured you that He's washed away what happened forever, you don't have to keep carrying around the guilt and putting yourself under that shame, blame, and condemnation. 

You. Can. Let. It. Go. 

Friend, this is a new day. For a fresh start. A different beginning. Whatever is "back there" can stay there but you? You can move forward into something better. Holier. Freer. Fuller. And what better time then when the first vestiges of Spring are bursting forth and we are celebrating the ultimate forgiveness found in Jesus Christ! 

He is doing a new thing, right in this moment. Don't you see it? He's making a way in your wilderness and streams in your desert. He's reminding you that it is He who remembers your sins no more, so you can give yourself permission to dwell on them no more. So you can overcome the hardest part because He's done the real hard thing and He's given you all you need to step forward into new chapters of victory and redemption. 

Forgiveness is the way - both for others and ourselves - to unlimited potential and vibrant faith. So let's embrace that truth and resolve we won't keep lugging around these burdens that only add to our own pain and prolong our suffering. God is here for us, God is in us, and God is with us. And He came to set us free from the very things we keep holding onto. Maybe then it's time we cooperate with Him and set ourselves free, too.