Closing Space

 His words strike me as I listen. We sit... two long-time friends recording a future episode for my podcast, discussing what it means to eliminate awkwardness. And he should know, too. After all, the guy has dealt with a disability all his life. Felt the rejections of others. Tried his hardest to normalize his place among the able kids. He understands. 

And so I ask him... 

Ask him what it looks like to take away the weirdness of hard conversations. What it looks like to make space for those who have walked a difficult road and let them speak. 

His answer? 

Just talk to them. 

Ask them questions. 

Get to know them as a person - someone with thoughts and feelings and a soul... just like your own. 

And suddenly, I realize that the key to bridging all divides between people is really this simple. Talk to them. 

Talk to them and not at them. 

Because the minute we enter their space, having already formed our own assumptions and opinions, we have pre-judged them before they've even gotten a chance to speak for themselves. 

We've determined we know the story without ever having truly heard it. 

And so, we advise. We scold. We criticize. We frame. 

And then, they isolate. 

Because, deep down, what all of us need and want most isn't a lecture. It's love. 

We've all been there at times. Felt defenseless against a barrage of personal agendas as a false portrait of ourselves was painted and then thrown in our faces. We've struggled with what to say when others have put words in our mouths and told us to say what they wanted to hear instead of bothered to find out what we really thought. Dealt with the frustration of separation as friend and friend or loved one and loved one are suddenly pitted against each other over something that doesn't matter. 

And nobody would deny such encounters have been all the more frequent over the past couple of years. 

Somehow, someway the space needs to be closed. The emotional distance lessened. And perhaps it all starts with my friend's advice. 

Perhaps it starts with becoming more aware of others than of ourselves. Pushing aside personal insecurities and instead, approaching another who is equally as human and valuable as you, and making them feel seen. Not viewed through the lens of race or politics or career or status or education or anything else. Just viewed through the eyes of love. Through the eyes of God. 

Perhaps it starts with asking questions instead of forming conclusions. Because after all, we're all each other's teachers on this planet, depositing some element of influence (for good or for bad) into each other's lives. Why not give each other a chance to be heard and not silenced? Maybe then, some wouldn't feel the need to be so silent. Maybe some would find their voice. 

Perhaps it starts with giving the gift of presence and not just proximity. Oh... we all know there are some in our lives that we think we are close to and know but, if truth be told, we've never really taken the opportunity to learn their story. Come alongside their life-journey. Just because we see or interact with them regularly doesn't mean we actually "get" them. Actually know them. And, if we just took some time to go a little deeper with them, we'd be surprised at what we'd find out. What we'd learn. How we'd grow. 

Hard conversations are the life-blood of any lasting relationship. If you can't sit down in love and talk about what hurts, you can't open yourself up to healing. If you can't dialogue in a safe place and share who you really are, where you've really been...you can't build trust. 

Because, at the end of the day, closing space means not invading space but creating space. Space to breathe and space to live and space to be fully accepted unconditionally. It may sound oxymoronic but the reality is, if people aren't allowed to spin in their own orbits without judgement - to move around and with each other in a glorious dance of heavenly grace - then suffocation and chaos result. 

I believe much of where we've gone wrong is in assuming that right-ness is the most important. When actually, according to Jesus, loving well is. Loving well even when you disagree. Loving well even when you feel uncomfortable. Loving well even when you're at a loss of what to say or do. Loving well even when it seems as though you have to cross a canyon just to connect. Because after all, your God left heaven to come identify with you and love you to the greatest end: His death on a cross. 

So maybe  there's somebody on your mind that you need to have a hard conversation with. Somebody you need to close space with. Somebody you've perhaps mis-read or falsely framed. Somebody who thinks or acts differently than you and gets under your skin because of it. Somebody you need to apologize to or, at the very least, listen to and ask questions of. Somebody you need to invite in instead of push away.  Somebody you need to start viewing with the perspective of the Creator and not so much through the lens of your own judgement or opinion. 

This week, perhaps you get up the courage to build a bridge toward them instead of burning it. Perhaps you approach them with a humble attitude and an open mind and see what they just might have to teach you about life and love and faith and hope. Perhaps you go out of your way to show a little extra kindness and intentionality towards them, giving less of your opinion and more of your time. Perhaps you need to get beyond proximity with them and begin offering more presence. 

I don't know what it will look like for you but I do that, if you do this, you will look more like the Savior you claim to know. You'll close space where there's been a divide. You'll open up possibilities because the more we all learn to share our authentic selves in love, the more we realize we're all not that unalike.