Approaching Sunrise

 They always tell you, "just when you think you're at the end of the story - think again" but somehow, I never believed it. When it all looks like it's over, it seems believable. What seems un-believable however is the truth: the simple fact that things are never what they seem and that sight can never trump faith because the ability to see with one's soul and hope for things not evident is always where you'll find God. And yet, it's easy to let the obvious dictate how you live and what you think and, sometimes, it really does appear as though He is nowhere to be found and trust feels like the farthest thing from your heart. 

But moments like these cause me to re-think my doubts, to question my fears and ask myself why I ever dis-believed in the first place. Because, if God cares so much, why am I so quick to tap into my inner skeptic and convict God by personal jury of being unfaithful? 

It's been over ten years since I last saw him, and I wasn't sure I'd ever see him again. Would see any of the other guys again. Men of great courage who shaped my early views on life and the world. Men whom my Alex was proud to call his brothers, his friends. And they were my friends, too. They've always felt like my Marine family because they were also his family. Guys who put their lives on the line for what they believed in and would risk everything for those they loved. I'd treasured all the years I'd known them, had carried them all in my heart since the first time I met them...over fifteen years ago. But, a few years back, I'd lost touch with almost all of them. The only tie I had left was Alex. 

But then, on May 21, 2019, I learned that he was gone, too. And with that news, a chapter of my life that had come to mean so much slammed shut. I was convinced it was never to be opened again. Little could I have known, in my grief, that were more lines yet to be written... 

Isn't that always how it goes? Just when it looks like there is no redemptive end to be had, God inserts Himself. Moves in and displays His sovereign hand. Reminds us yet again that there is no "over" until He says it's over. Proves that there is no length He won't go to in order to show His love. Because Grace is always present, always working. Even when you can't see it. 

Sometime after losing my Alex, through a surprise mutual connection on social media, one of the Marines and I found each other again. All these years later. And recently, on what would've been Alex's 37th birthday, we were reunited. He had been Alex's sergeant on his first deployment and, all this time, he'd never known that Alex and I knew each other and were so close. Alex had talked about him many times, and we'd traded memories we both had of "Murph." But our paths had long distanced, and this guy had no idea. Until now...

Had no idea our bond ran so deep. Had no idea that a simple encounter as his unit came home all those years ago had changed my life forever. Had no idea where life had taken Alex after they'd returned. Had no idea Alex was no longer with us. 

For the next several hours, stories and memories were exchanged. Laughs and a few tears were had. And we remembered. We grieved. Together. 

For the first time since I had to say the most painful goodbye in my life, I felt I was given something back. Felt like God said, "I told you the sun would rise again." And suddenly, the darkness seemed a little more distant. Light's rays warmed the soul as an unexpected blessing was put into my open hands. 

There is nothing in the world that will ever be able to bring my Alex back. Nor can any lost time with the guys who remain be brought back either. But a fresh start can begin starting today. For all the times we all struggled alone, we now have each other again. Paths have come full circle, and I'm watching a chapter I was convinced was forever shut open once more. Just maybe there is more to the story than I've realized... 

I've shared this grief journey openly with you, and I intend to continue doing so. Because, even though your journey might not be exactly like mine, you likely have your own list of impossible things that you're convinced can never be turned around or redeemed. You likely have painful things in your own life that you look at and wonder if you'll ever see the sunrise again. 

As I now stand on the other side of the valley and begin to look back on where I've been for the last two years, I can assure you that the sun does, indeed, rise again. And the only way to get there is by making your way through the dark. God never leaves you or forsakes you, but you will have moments when His presence feels distant. Keep moving anyway. However long the night, the light will always return. Maybe not in the way you expect, but it will come. And it just takes some patience and faith on your part until then. 

I wrap my arms around the sergeant's big, strong shoulders and feel my Alex closer than ever. Oh, how he would've been smiling to know this reunion happened...and that there are more to come now that I've got "Murph" back in my life. He loved his men so much, and so do I. Always will. And somehow, the prospect that new memories will be made even in the wake of Alex's death gives me hope for the future. That the legacy he left will live on in all of us who knew and loved him so deeply. 

Slowly, I'm learning it's possible to dance in the pain and, just maybe, that's the greatest courage of all.