Beyond The Safe Zone

It's a shocking confession to admit, but it's true. Somewhere along the way, I lost my ability to dream. It's foreign to me now. The little child who used to imagine possibilities got buried in layers of pessimism as the harsh reality of the "real world" forced her to start becoming doubtful of everything...and everyone. Assuming the worst case scenario in every situation and automatically ruling out any lasting happiness as being "short-lived" and telling herself that, sooner or later, disaster would come to ruin whatever bliss temporarily resided. Would come to wreck yet another hope or ambition.  So it became safer not to dream at all. To protect herself by creating a safe zone within which everything and everyone could be controlled. And, as long as things operated accordingly in that safe zone, she would feel secure. 

But now, that inner child seems to be calling out, screaming for a chance to come alive again. But I'm not sure how I can let her. I'm realizing how many times I thought she was dead and long gone but she's just been lying dormant, waiting for a time to break free. I think of when she was the norm: she didn't know a stranger - never had difficulty talking to anybody; she was positive and upbeat all the time, and she loved to share her big, bright, bold world with anybody who would listen; she assumed the best about everybody and never doubted the goodness in others; she was inquisitive and bright, loving any adventure. She welcomed everything in life with an open heart. 

Yet, along the way, things began to stifle her. As she shared her dreams with others, they were dismissed and demeaned because they were too out-of-the-box. When she began to meet with great suffering in her life, everything she'd thought about God and life was called into question, and she began to believe that pain was becoming a forever-friend she'd never asked for - that joy could never return to her again; when friends she thought she could trust betrayed her, she became cynical about the motives of others; when people she knew and loved died, she withdrew and didn't dare become close to anybody again for fear of losing them. She began to believe her story was too hard for most to handle, so she became hesitant to talk with strangers she wasn't certain would be compassionate and kind to her. She began to keep whatever hopes and ideas she had to herself because she couldn't handle any more disappointing comments from people who didn't believe in her, unconventional as she was. 

She stopped risking. Stopped believing. Stopped hoping. 

This has been my progression. Perhaps it's been your's, too. I've lately become quite convicted that I've made life too safe for myself. All the difficulty, all the loss, all the pain have turned me into a person I didn't start out as, causing me to overthink, over-calculate, and under-achieve. Causing me to assume the worst instead of believing the best about people and life, always waiting for the next shoe to drop instead of confidently going into situations expecting goodness to spring forth in some way. I'm always looking for the safe way, the easy way, out of whatever I'm doing - hesitating to step out of this comfort space I've built up for myself because I'm afraid of change. Afraid to trust again. Afraid to exercise faith. 

For the last several weeks, I've been uncovering years worth of unresolved questions and pain, validating feelings left undealt with and facing fears long denied. It's been a draining but necessary process and, along the way, I've discovered that my inner dreamer is still there - she's just needing to be rescued from the avalanche that has been her life for so many years. She's still breathing under the surface - she just needs encouragement and permission to come back out. 

I'm seeing my life like a swimming pool and noticing that I've grounded myself to the shallow end where it's virtually impossible to get drowned and easy to step out to poolside whenever you want. I've relegated my hopes to the easy place where I don't have to strive very hard for what I want in life, left the deep end for those whose bravery exceeds mine. I've lost my confidence and my ability to see possibilities. But God is revealing to me that I've been settling...and now it's time to get bold again and start trying to venture out beyond the safe zone. 

After so many years of adversity and unplanned hardship, God is showing me that He has brighter tomorrows ahead but that I cannot reach them, cannot appreciate them, unless I begin to open my mind up to a larger picture. Unless I leave the shallow end and begin paddling toward the deeper waters, I cannot receive the blessings He desires to give me. My greatest moments lie on the other side of my fears - to reach them, I must return to the place where my inner dreamer still resides, however trapped. I must set her free to be who God says she is and can become. 

Life is not about playing it safe. And the God we know is not a "safe" God either. He's never about doing things the easy, least-painful way. He's about doing things the holy way and, sometimes, that means being drawn into depths of belief you never would've chosen to explore otherwise. Often, it comes at the request to leave the comfort zone and head out into the unknown because that's where God is ready to show us big and beautiful things. Things we cannot see if we just try to remain where it's comfortable. 

For me, this looks like learning to trust people again, learning to dream again, believing situations will work out for the good instead of simply bracing myself for the next crisis and, when it arrives, thinking, "Told you so!" It looks like being willing to begin new projects, regaining confidence in my gifts and belief in the opportunities God gives me. It looks like figuring out how to welcome the sunrise in my life after spending so much time in the dark. It looks like rediscovering what it means to retain and hold onto after so many years of letting go. It means doing away with the safe zone and getting out of the boat of my security as Peter did, moving toward my Jesus in complete faith, trusting that He will not let me sink. 

Maybe you have places in your life where you've shut down your inner dreamer, too. Places where the cynic or pessimist inside of you has declared you to be safer in the comfort zone and less likely to get hurt so long as you remain there. Places where God needs to call you to bigger, bolder faith and challenge you to leave the shallow end for the deeper side where you can grow. Where you can discover the holy. 

Within us all, there is a little person calling to be freed. One that still believes the best in others and still hopes large in God. One that accepts the beautiful in life with open arms and expects nothing but goodness. We have to go back and find that person because, in so doing, we'll likely be learning what it means to become the "little children" Christ said would be the making of His kingdom.