Somewhere In Between

These days I find myself caught in the "in between." I know where I am no longer, but I haven't quite figured out where I'm going instead. Suspended between doubt and belief, my soul feels like it's hanging in this tension of uncertainty. Over my shoulder, I can look back and see the heap that was my old life, lying in a great pile of remnants, reminding me of who I used to be and what I once knew. Relationships lie shattered by death and sin, evidence of joys I basked in at one time. Pain and suffering dot the landscape as I realize much of who I am now was shaped by the worst life could throw at me. All that's behind me speaks of what is gone. over. ended. 

Ahead of me, I see nothing. Yet. I want to hope. I want to believe. But, once again, I feel as if I'm starting over. Trying to open an aching heart to love once again after it's been busted, bruised, and broken by life's tragedy. Deep inside, I know this hurt isn't the end of me. But I'm finding it hard to trust that it's the beginning of me, too. Struggling to have faith in resurrection when dead places are all I see. 

In this empty space that is the "in between," I'm trying not to look down. When I do, I get afraid. Because I fear that I'll fall and that my grip will give way. That my heart will reach a point where it cannot heal anymore. I hear unbelief speak loudly to me and I cry out to my Savior to save me. To put His arms under me and catch me when I can't hold on any longer. I'm trying to look into the unknown that's ahead and trust that I'll reach solid ground sometime. But there are moments I wonder if it's all a myth. If there is such a thing as empty hope. 

I need God to remind me that Love isn't finished yet. That the story will one day end well. Because He's authoring it. I need Him to tell me that the pain will be redeemed. That the struggle will be worth it. Because some days it really doesn't feel that way. Somehow, in the midst of this, He's teaching me to trust. I don't see how He's working and can't imagine how all this could be good. But deep down, I know what's true. I know He's right. I know that the One who has promised to be faithful and true can't not keep His word. 

I pray for relief but, more importantly, I pray for belief. Because the somewhere in between is the making of me.