Always A Choice

 The bad news just keeps coming...and I'm almost out of words to say now. Being a writer, words are my thing. I usually know what to pen or speak most of the time. But there are sometimes when words escape you. And life simply has no explanation. No reason. And God alone can answer. 

And sometimes even He is silent.

A friend feels like he's being swallowed up in the sin around him, trying to stand strong when others give in, and I wish with every ounce of me I could just push the courage right into him. Tell him to keep fighting for truth. To keep choosing faith. To continue doing the hard way because it's the way that leads to grace. 

Another friend is watching his dreams crumble, and I can feel his disappointment at yet another seeming denial of hope. This appears to be the story of his life...and maybe God is calling him to a faith he doesn't even known he can have? A faith that can only be acquired by countless times of having to keep on saying "yes" to God when all it seems is that He keeps saying "no." A faith that keep trusting His goodness and love when what He gives goes against how you feel. 

She texts me, exhausted and worn thin. Juggling a newborn and an eight-year-old but now having to face the fact that addiction is wrapping its ugly hands around her husband and he's in denial, and she's crying out to God about what to do. She asks for prayer, and she's doing all she can to hold onto a thread of grace today. 

And then, an email comes through... yet another friend diagnosed with cancer....only three months after his sister began treatment for the same. 

And all this in a matter of just a couple days...and I'm wearing out. It's taking everything in me to keep trusting God when the world appears to be falling in, and all I want is to have the wave of suffering stop crashing in for awhile. 

The redeeming or the dying of us always lies in the choosing. The choosing of the easy way out or the hard way in...the heart way in, rather. The God way. Every situation presents itself as opportunity: opportunity to attempt an escape from everything painful or opportunity to discover light on the other side of darkness. We always have an option. 

I've walked through enough adversity to catch a glimpse of how to trace God's hand in the midst of all things hopeless. But the things of late seem beyond comprehension. Why so many being taken so young? Why multiple family members? Why heap more suffering on the already-suffering when it appears obvious they're at their end of what they can take? 

If I didn't trust in a God who is sovereign, if I didn't have the Bible to tell me otherwise, if I didn't have the track-record of knowing God will always do what's best, will always love, will always bring good...if I didn't have all these things to over-ride my growing doubt, I might throw in the towel altogether. Might just think this fight for joy - for grace - isn't worth it anymore. 

Just maybe today you feel the same?

It's an early spring here. Weeks ahead of normal, the snow is melting fast, birds are singing loudly and building nests, the sun feels wonderfully warm after a cold winter. And I am soaking in it's truth: the spring will come. Always. And I'm pleading with God to make it spring in my heart because I feel like the soul-winter is barring down hard, and I want to feel alive again. 

But strangely, in the midst of this, I am surprised that I'm standing this well. Surprised that the things which, in the past, might have knocked me flat and caused me to run haven't taken me out of this fight yet. I'm still in this. And I feel a breath of belief come over me. 

All I can do is keep choosing the right way. All I can do is keep reminding myself that He who is in me is stronger than everything else around me. And that "endure" is the action to which I'm called. 

I don't need answers, although I'd like some to explain all this seeming madness of broken that's descended. I don't need a reason to believe. I only need Jesus. I only need more of the Gospel to seep into me. Because that's where my courage is found. In knowing that all this will someday, somehow be redeemed, and every tragedy is a chance for God to do what He does best. 

I tell my soul that to quit isn't a viable option. That God's best warriors in this life come from those who have been seasoned veterans in this fight. And, although I feel like I'm still a novice at this thing called trusting, I can see evidence that I'm at least learning a little about how to not let fear be my default. That God always rewards those who are faithful under trial. And I'm trying to let it drive deep into me. 

I thought the bad news was finished for awhile after attending the latest memorial service a short few days ago, but I was wrong... 

For some reason, God's providence has deemed that this valley be extended for awhile. So here we are still...doing all we can to choose faith when doubt seems like an easier choice. Choosing brave when fear appears to be more natural. Choosing to make defiant joy a pattern instead of incessant murmuring. Choosing to let all this make us more like Jesus. To let it strip away what doesn't belong so that all that's left is Him. 

God reveals that He blesses the wilderness wanderings, and so I choose to bless Him in return for them. Because I know that this season won't last forever. The Spring is on it's way. And I'm longing, praying for it's return. Yet, knowing too that, until it comes, I have more than enough to sustain me.