Defiant Joy

 Defiant. Joy. 

Two words that I've been clinging to of late. 

As I eluded to in my previous post, this year hasn't started out like many in the past. As the last year ended with hard things, this year began with them. Literally on the first day. In times past, I would walk into a new year with optimism and readiness to begin afresh. So far, it's been a challenge to do so. Because life has had it's share of sorrows in recent weeks...with more to come soon...

Another text that a friend is dying of cancer, that another friend's cancer has worsened...that death is most likely just around the corner for both. 

A memorial service for a co-worker who passed away suddenly on New Year's Eve.

Another phone call saying that yet another long-time family friend finally succumbed to cancer and you realize you're facing yet another memorial service a week after the previous one you attended. 

The griefs have just kept coming... and I've wondered, how does one keep riding out this constant wave of sadness? How does one keep finding hope when it seems like there is little reason to look for it? 

And I keep coming back to those two words: 

Defiant. Joy. 

I think perhaps I'm starting to see how this choosing, this braving works. Joy isn't always natural. Often, when circumstances seem less than desirable or pleasing, joy can appear to be the last thing you want to feel or think you can feel. But this is where it becomes an act of defiance... of staring all things painful, hard, saddening, breaking right in the face and declaring that you will, by the grace of God, choose joy. You will choose hope. You will choose faith over fear. 

These days, it seems like I'm doing a lot of that. That preaching to yourself thing. 

Because, quite frankly, my soul is tired. Tired from all the stories of people whose loved ones won't speak to them anymore, of people who are picking fights simply because they can't graciously choose to listen to another's point of view. Tired of the seemingly-endless string of ill health, of deaths, of pain. Suicide. Cancer. It hasn't let up for months. And I am weary. 

But, through all of this, I'm learning a powerful lesson in courage. That courage stems from the measure of grace God gives to each to bear his or her burdens that day and that real bravery is soaking up all that grace and knowing that it. is. enough. Enough to keep on believing when life tells you to doubt. Enough to keep up hoping when life tells you to despair. Enough to keep loving when you could hate instead. Enough to keep praying when you wonder if it's doing any good. Grace empowers you to do the things that go against how you feel, what you see. Grace gives you reason to rejoice, to thank, to praise when things around you dictate otherwise. 

Perhaps our Christianity isn't shown as much in our prosperity as in our moments of need. Maybe others see Jesus more clearly when our joy defies the circumstances and we choose to live on faith instead of being driven by fear. 

Each morning lately, I keep waking up with these two words on my mind. And I keep driving them deep, asking God to enable me to believe them beyond a shadow of a doubt. Joy is, and can be, defiant ...if I allow it to. If I am willing to let the Grace given show me how. If I am willing to embrace each thing that comes as an opportunity to look for God. 

I am prepared for more sorrows in the near future - at least two more memorial services in the weeks and months to come. More goodbyes. More change. More hardships. 

But I'm also prepared to meet each one with defiant joy. Not self-generated happiness that appears naive and fake. But real, soul-full, God-breathed joy that still knows He is good, regardless of what is happening around me. 

And this is Grace in full - taking what is given and still thanking God for it. Even if what is given appears to be ugly, broken, and downright painful. 

Today is all we have. Tomorrow is not given. And yesterday is past. But today we can choose defiant joy no matter what comes. With eyes of faith that believe in what is unseen, we can place our hand in the Hand of the One who holds this whole world together, who holds us together, and know that all will be alright.