Reflections On A Passing Decade

As some of you may already know, I turned the page this past week on a decade of my life. Yes...I have now officially joined the thirties club and have left my twenties behind. This brought about a lot of reflection on where I've been, prayer about where I'm going, and thoughts about how quickly life flies by. 

When we first begin our life, we think that we have endless time. But as we age, we begin to see that time is forever ending. That we're all limited in our stay here. That really, there is no such thing as "time to waste" because each bit of time is precious and counts toward our eternity.

My twenties were a whirlwind to say the least. So much happened in those ten years, shaping me into the person I am today. I recall my 20th birthday was spent in the Twin Cities in Minnesota, attending a convention. My 19th had been spent in a hospital while my dad was fighting for his life, and I had such hopes of my 20th being spent with a healthy dad and life returning back to normal, but here I was - at a convention in another state, out to dinner with my mom... dad back home, still too sick to travel and be there with us. It was the first birthday I'd ever spent without him. I remember wondering what the next few years would hold for me... the last couple had been filled with more pain than pleasure, and I held out hope that the ones to come would be better. 

Two years later, my birthday was spent packing hurriedly so that I could board a plane with my mom and get down to see my grandma, who was quickly failing in health. Only a month before, she had been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and her days were growing slim. Three weeks later, she went home to be with Jesus, and grief struck me deep. My world fell apart in the months that followed. I had endured four years of unexpected tragedy and loss, and I was angry at God for it all. I had yet to be given eyes to see that this pain had a purpose and could only think at the time that, somehow, God had done me wrong. That His love had failed, and He no longer cared...

Around the time of my 23rd birthday, things were beginning to change in my life. I was in the midst of a season where I was searching for truth and beginning to question some of my beliefs, realizing that maybe God saw a bigger picture and had a better plan in mind than what I'd previously acknowledged. For a couple of months, I spent hours reading the Bible, asking God questions, seeking out books that would explain how I felt and how to reconcile that with a good God. Later that Fall, I would make the decision to lay down my rights to my own story in order to allow Jesus Christ the lordship over my life forever. 

By age 26, I had started this blog and was actively pursuing this journey to Grace, feeling a compelling need to give hope to others in their greatest hour of darkness. A mere few months after this blog began, God started to open up doors for me to engage my community and the world with the healing power of the Gospel and to show me that my life had great value in the eyes of God. That He had big plans for me and would use me in ways I could never dream of. 

All God is ever after in our few, short days on this planet, is more surrender. More giving up hold on what we think matters in this life in exchange for greater peace and bigger faith. More letting go in order to obtain the joy that comes from trusting God. Funny how that is... the more out-of-control we humanly feel, the more in-control things actually are as the One who controls everything effortlessly runs an entire universe, and we simply show up and say "yes." 

 In the many birthdays that followed, it's interesting to me to see that I ended up spending much of my twenties recovering from trauma and fears that had become unwelcome but very real companions to me in the aftermath of all I'd experienced up until that point. Year after year seemed to be this on-going journey of discovering greater bravery, deeper love, and bigger faith. Clear up into my last year in my twenties, I was still finding healing from all I'd been through and realizing that my twenties had been filled with surprises that only God could've known.

In looking back, I see now that, had God showed me ahead of time all that He planned to allow in those ten years, I would've probably called Him crazy. As it was, I kind of did anyway even without knowing in advance what was taking place at the time. But, seeing how it's all happened, I wouldn't choose to have it any other way. Because it's all been His way and that is always the best way.

Every day, every year, every decade of years is an unknown chapter in the story God is writing for each of us. And to try to grab the pen from His hand and cry out that He is wrong is to blot and mar the perfection of His hand and only spoil that which He intends to accomplish. God intends us nothing but good in all He does and our story, while at times confusing, discouraging, and downright painful, always is written with a promise that all will be made beautiful in His time. That no line will be written into the script of our life without our ultimate benefit and His ultimate glory in mind. So where then is there any real room for fear?! 

As I now turn my gaze into a new decade and realize that there are yet more chapters to be revealed and written, I feel as though God isn't done surprising me yet. Just as there was in the previous ten years, I'm sure the next ones will hold their fair share of pain and pleasure but both always covered in promise and always asking praise from me regardless of the circumstances. The words of the timeless hymn of Fanny Crosby come to mind as I write this, and perhaps this is a prayer for what lies ahead:

"All the way, my Savior leads me,

What have I to ask beside?

Can I doubt His tender mercy

Who, through life, has been my Guide?

Heavenly peace, divinest comfort

Hereby faith, in Him, to dwell,

For I know whate'er befall me,

Jesus doeth all things well."

The years of time shall continue to roll on as day runs into day and night runs into night. But the good and gracious God I've come to know in the last decade keeps on leading me through them faithfully, and I know I have nothing to worry about. Surrender is a daily action, and often I find I don't practice it to the level I would want as a believer. But the patience of Him whose love never fails me forever keeps on and gives me grace to continue trying and to assure me of my ultimate victory in this race called life. While I most likely have years yet before I get to the finish line, I'm closer now than I've ever been, and I've already won even though I'm not there yet. 

So here's to new adventures and new beginnings, to 30 and beyond, and to more days of relying on the Savior, come what may.