Full Admission

The longer I'm a Christian, the more I'm beginning to think that there are things as believers that we're afraid to say. Afraid to say to one another. Afraid to say to God Himself. It's that simple: we're people run by fear and, worse yet, we keep our fear to ourselves and hold in so many secrets that we think we'll be shamed if we voice them.

Whether it be a battle with depression, an on-going struggle in a marriage, a grief that still hasn't left you, a physical ailment that has yet to be resolved, a wound that stings from someone else's unkindness...whatever the situation, I think there are many sitting in our pews today that carry burdens they're afraid to admit for fear of others' judgement and insensitivity. For fear that it won't seem "Christian" of them if they share what's really going on.

This was me for many years. I fought battles in my soul that nobody really knew about. I kept so much inside because I thought that it would ruin my supposed Christian image. I didn't think it was okay to not be okay. And so I hid the truth from people. I still fight the urge to do so today.

When our churches turn into perceived places where only the good, have-it-together types can gather, we miss our greatest mission in this world - to give the Gospel to those who are sick and need a Healer. To follow our Savior's lead and help call the broken ones to repentance and hope instead of to be a private club where only the know-it-alls can belong. When we dismiss the hurting as a part of our congregations too, we fail to understand who Christ actually came for and what His kingdom is really after in this world. 

Sometimes I don't like being a Christian. This is one admission I think is hard to say. But it's true. Sometimes I find that following Jesus is harder, more demanding, more difficult than if I had chosen to reject the Gospel and live my own way. The reason I say this is, the challenge to deny my flesh, take up my cross daily, and serve Christ is a call that wars against everything that I naturally want out of this life and, sometimes, I get tired of fighting the battle between my desires and God's will. Sometimes it just seems a bit too hard. Sometimes I feel like God asks too much.

When I struggle, there are times when I don't feel like pressing into the Christian life. My problems are so big and my inner darkness so great that to pick up my Bible or to pray or to attend church seem like more effort than they're worth at that moment. And I often give in at this point and say, what does it matter if I read the Word? Or will God really care if I pray and try to tell Him how I really feel? It's better just to ride this out and then get back to being spiritual once I feel better. That's the easier way...even if it's the more spiritually dangerous way. But sometimes I truly do consider it.

My struggle against depression, while improved, is still not over. There are still occasionally some dark days when my heart just aches. Given the right set of circumstances, I can go back into my dark place pretty quickly if I'm not watchful. This is an admission I think a lot of others can relate to. After you've walked a hard road, people eventually expect you to just go on. To move forward as if the chapter were closed and everything is fixed now. But some of us don't get to that point for a very long, long time. Our journey toward healing is still going on, and some days are better than others. But it's not all fixed yet. Some Sundays as we enter the church doors, we kinda feel like we're running on nothing. But we don't feel comfortable saying so. We feel like we have to check our doubts, our fears, our hopelessness at the door and pretend like we're going to fit in with everybody and everything going on. And sometimes it's just easier to not come. Or just not to say that we're not okay. An "I'm fine," will do the trick, even if it's that's really not entirely true.

When God invites us into relationship with Him and His family, the Church, why are we so afraid to say how we really feel? Why is it shameful to admit that all is not right with us, and we need to be helped? Perhaps we have we let fear become so prevalent that we no longer see the Gospel and it's representatives, the body of Christ, as the solution to our inner fight.

I'm beginning to see that past hurts in the Church, past doubts we've had about God and His truth, past sins we haven't let go of, and countless other things can make it hard for us to bring our full admission forward and face what's really going on. And, on top of that, we think that it's somehow weak of us to be honest with God or with others about our current struggles because we think that it will come off as complaining or as fighting God's will. While it's very easy in a time of trial to begin to doubt God's plan and to get angry with Him for what He's doing, simply telling God that you're angry, or depressed, or doubting isn't a bad thing. In fact, God wants us to voice everything, and He's not afraid of our mess. Ever.

The other day, I had one such talk with God. On a rock in the mountains, by a lake. I told Him everything. I shed a few tears. I've had a request I've been praying for for over 3 years. And, while my heart is resigned to God's sovereign purpose, I still hit times when I'm deeply sad that it's taken so long to get an answer from Him. As I sat there, I realized that God says to not be afraid of anything but "in EVERYTHING, through prayer and petition WITH THANKSGIVING," to let my requests be made known to God (Philippians 4:6). And that this command includes literally everything and not just the ones that seem spiritual...because sometimes my prayers are simply laments and spiritual groaning and nothing of any real belief. And also, it tells me to pour out these requests with thanksgiving - blessing God for the fact that I can tell Him these things and know that He hears me, even if the answers don't come how and when I expect. I can thank Him even for the dark times because I can count on His love to show up in deeper ways.

I also realized that God encourages and commands His people to also confess their faults, their sins, to one another and to pray for one another "that you may healed" (James 5:16). Healing comes when we open up to our fellow Christians and share the truth about ourselves, even though it may be hard and unpleasant. Something is wrong in the Church that so many don't trust their brothers and sisters in Christ and feel that they'll be judged if they say what's going on. And, since the Church is placed on this earth to be the hands and feet of Jesus, this has to change. In some of my darkest days, I have often returned to a trusted friend and asked for help. And they, in turn, have brought weak me back to Jesus and given my soul reason to hope again. This is when Christians are best fulfilling their call - when full admissions can be given, and fears are put at ease because people are willing to meet the hurting where they're at and point them to the One who can offer comfort and heal as no-one else can.

Slowly, day by day, I'm learning the art of full admission. To tell God how I really feel and to reach out for the help of another when I'm at my lowest. And I'm finding that, the more I share the truth about myself to others (when the situation seems appropriate), the more common ground I find with them and the more my struggles don't seem so unique to me anyway.

I don't know what you may be hiding from others because you're afraid of what they'll say or think of you. Or even what you may be afraid to tell God directly to His face because you're afraid of His reaction too. I can't address your situation directly, but I can offer some comfort in that God still sees your heart and already knows where you're at, even before you've said anything. And the Spirit of God is ready to uphold you in your weakness and to intercede before the face of God on your behalf (Romans 8:26).