Our Most Vulnerable Place

 I honestly don't know how to put this any other way: our most vulnerable place is the in-between. Those changes that come along where we don't have a clue where to next place our step - that period of transition between what is know and what is unknown. That time of growing pains that call us into deeper trust when everything inside of us cries for the predictable, the comfortable. This. This is our most critical and vulnerable place. 

 For several weeks now, I have been in this place of "in-between." Without divulging all of the recent changes, suffice it to say these have been some of the hardest weeks I've undergone in quite some time. For, in the middle of such mixed emotions regarding the passing of the old and the welcoming of the new, I've found that it seems like I hear the false and true realities both speaking to me - loudly - at the same time! By this I mean that through these uncertain days, I've heard both God and my doubting self quite clearly. 

 I've had times where God has brought great clarity and I've found my peace in His truth more assuredly than ever before. Through prayer and study of His Word and truth, I have rested in what cannot change in a world where nothing ever stays the same. I have blessed and thanked Him for bringing me back to what I can anchor myself to when everything around me is up in the air. 

 Yet, at the same time, I've also heard my own fears, doubts, and lies quite loudly too. At a time when I am being called to affirm where my true identity lies (or doesn't lie), I have heard the Enemy's whisper, "You don't really know who you are, do you? You don't know where you're going!" I have spent exhaustive days speaking truth to myself and reminding myself that I do know who I am because I know Whose I am!! But the questioning, the doubting still hovers. I will admit that sin has been thrown in my face, temptations have escalated, fears have loomed large lately...because I don't yet see where I am heading next. 

 I know what I'm stepping from - I know what I'm leaving...and I do so with mixed feelings...but God has yet to reveal all the details of where I'm going. But this is my most dangerous spot - the spot where I can either dig into what is true more than ever before or I can choose to listen to my fears and abandon my belief. Forsake my trust. Run away instead of stand.

 I think back to the Israelites of the Bible and their wandering years after leaving Egypt. When they were in Egypt, they prayed for deliverance. They thanked God when He granted them escape and drowned their enemies in the Red Sea. They knew they were headed to the Promised Land...but the in-between proved their undoing. The waiting, the lack of prized foods in Egypt, the uncertainty of where they were going, all these resulted in complaining, sinning, and ultimately death to many who would've entered had they not forsaken the God they claimed to trust. Their lack of faith, their failure to transition well, doomed them. 

 In recent days, I've been driven nearly to despair of any progress in my Christian walk as I only see the ways in which I fail. But I also realize that such feelings mean I am failing to see Grace. Failing to see and trust in the God who has promised to never leave His work unfinished. While I only see what's unfinished, messy, un-done, imperfect...He sees the completed product. He sees me as I will become while still loving me as I am now. 

In the midst of my jumble of thoughts, I hear these words in my soul, and I breathe them in deep: "Assaulted on every side - yet I still see You!" 

 Yes...this is what I must come back to. I cannot control the change going on. Neither can I predict what's up ahead - but I can control my responses. I can choose brave instead of choosing fear. I can lean on the everlasting Arms that are strong enough to fight for me when I can hardly stand by myself. I am aware that this is a vulnerable time - a time when I am weak and my faith is small. But this is also a time when I must trust that the God I know isn't close to being finished with me yet. His plans are far more than the little bit that I see now and am basing my judgement upon at this moment. And perhaps, just when I think I'm going backwards and the whole thing is falling apart, He just may confirm that things are actually falling together and allow a greater work to take place through my weakness than what I imagine to be the case now.