Early on in the transformation process, I learned that two things were essential if I was going to leave the darkness behind.
First, I had to get comfortable with being exposed. Having lived a lie for so many years, the fear of being discovered had kept me from experiencing the openness and transparency that awaited me outside the door. Now, as I was watching God invade my false reality, I knew that I could no longer expect to find wholeness without uncovering the hidden faults of myself. Amazingly, God seemed to know exactly where to look to find those weaknesses. Often, I was surprised that He could point to my imperfections so immediately. Then, I would call to mind the question posed in Jeremiah 23:24:
"Can any hide himself in secret places that I shall not see him?
saith the Lord..."
It gradually dawned on me that, even when the door was tightly shut, God still knew what was going on behind it. That was why His pursuit of me never wavered. He never gave up on the fact that I would eventually open the door and let Him come in. Here now, door open and Christ in the room with me, the inner secrets were being revealed. But, as hard as it was to see the pain of my past flash before me with each thing He uncovered, it was more than clear to me that my path to healing lay through such discovery. I had to let the searching continue if I was to know true life.
Second, I had to change from living the "No" to living the word "Yes." As mentioned back in the first few posts, I had become very good at practicing the "No": "No" to life; "No" to grace; "No" to God. This rejection of divine wholeness and fulfillment left me in an isolated frame of mind. Quite frankly, I had cut myself off from any means of love and healing. I was afraid to risk. I was afraid to be vulnerable. It was easier to live the "No" than to except the potential vulnerability of the "Yes." But, upon the Light entering my darkness, I saw for the first time that real abundance comes in the "Yes": "Yes" to God; "Yes" to love; "Yes" to complete acceptance; "Yes" to relationships; "Yes" to grace; "Yes" to whole living. By my learning to say "Yes" to the truth, to agree with God in all areas of my life, practicing the "No" seemed less and less like the true answer. The "No" signified control - my control - and divorced my life from the sources that would make it well and harmonious. The "No" meant that I was in charge and living large - that everything revolved around me: my wishes, my plans. But the "Yes" showed that I had surrendered to God, that I no longer felt the need to be at the center of the stage. It quickly became obvious that the "Yes" was not a one-time submission but a daily laying down of selfish ambitions, selfish feelings, and selfish actions. It was a continuous state of relinquishment...one that I would forever be putting into action.
Learning to be exposed and to whole-heartedly live the "Yes" would prove to be crucial in my journey to a total transformation of the soul.