It's Okay Sometimes To Not "Get It"

 As the embers die down in the fireplace, I listen to the lady talking on the program saying that our stories are never really about us in the first place - they are all about the glory and mission of God. And I get that. But sometimes, I don't... 

I don't get it when I walk into my previous church to attend the memorial service for my former high school classmate and childhood friend's father. They only had a couple of months to say goodbye before he was gone - right before Christmas. As I hug her close and her tears begin to fall, my heart aches and I wonder to myself, I wish I knew what God was up to in this painful moment. 

I don't get it when my dear friend texts me yet again about the ongoing custody battle for her young children, and I have to ask God the age-old question once uttered by the Psalmist, How long, Lord? When will this nightmare for these precious kids and their mother end? How long does the pain have to keep going on until justice is done? 

I don't get it when a very close, long-time friend has started new chapters and appears to have left me out of them. When the Instagram pictures keep being posted but the texts and check-ins have stopped. And how odd that, at the very same time, a mutual friend of ours is happily remarrying and also beginning new chapters but the scripts of both stories appear to have flipped. The close friend and I once used to talk about our concerns for this other friend and the choices they were making - relationships were being disconnected, God was being rejected, and so much more. Yet now, that very same one is repairing what they broke, walking close to God, and turning a redemptive page while the other, whose friendship seemed so secure, leaves me with nothing but questions. 

I stare into the glowing coals and hold the tension of what is happening: I trust the heart and ways of God but there are times when the story doesn't make any sense to my finite, human brain. There are moments when I have to honest with God and say that nothing that's happening is adding up. When your former classmate admits that, of the two, it was your dad that all expected to pass years ago yet, now you're here and he's still here but her dad is the one that is gone. Or when two friends appear to have traded places in life and friendship with the wanderer finding their way home and vowing never to let you go again while the other seems to not even notice whether you're in their life or not after they once promised you that you were family. 

What do you do when it seems like God's plan isn't understandable? How do you continue to trust a God who is writing a story that, in the moment, seems so very wrong and unfair? 

These are the questions that can decide a spiritual journey. Because, at the end of the day, whether or not you believe, in spite of appearances, that God is good is the principle upon which most of faith hangs. One of the most difficult parts of faith to accept is that, while God always writes good stories, He doesn't write them as we often would. Our story lines would be straightforward and always with a happily-ever-after at the end. And we think that God would do the same. Sometimes He does. But sometimes, He doesn't. Sometimes He determines that a painful twist, a wilderness season, an unanswered prayer, a delayed dream, a denied hope is the path forward. This is the part of His sovereign rule that is hard to accept. And it's why some people even want to not trust or believe in God at all. 

But think of a wise parent: don't they sometimes say no to things the child thinks are right and fair because the parent knows more? And if God considers Himself to be our Heavenly Father, then shouldn't He be the best and wisest parent of them all? It is here that I must decide to rest in what I don't humanly comprehend. It is in this place that I must fall back on past mercies and believe that the same Heart is still behind it all. After all, when I've seen God display His faithful love over and over again, why should I doubt that same love simply because I've reached the limit of what my mind can grasp? 

In an age of instant results, it seems and feels counterintuitive to wait on God for resolutions to situations that appear to be taking forever. Why would God delay when the Bible says He delights in giving good gifts to His children? Perhaps it has to do with a difference in what the meaning of "good gifts" actually is. Maybe what God considers best for us isn't what always makes the most sense but in what would most draw us closest to His side. And maybe that also means that the stories take longer and grow harder and wreck deeper because God is looking for more than just our comfort. He's looking for our trust. 

I suppose then that it's okay sometimes to not "get it." To have to tell God that you're ticked off and puzzled and angry and sad. That the mystery is becoming too much to sit with and you're confused that it's taken so long to redeem or clarify a story that feels so very unjust and painful. God can take it. He invites your honesty. But in the end, He's also going to do what's right. And somehow, even though it doesn't all add up in my mind, it's a strange comfort to know that He never misses or makes a mistake. Ever. And even this will someday be made beautiful... even if I have to wait till eternity to finally see what God was after.  Because maybe even dying coals can still cast their own kind of beauty.