Held Back

 So I've been talking to a lot of different people lately and something that's been coming up a lot is the things that are holding them back. As I have conversations with various individuals of mixed ages and experiences, I keep noticing that much of what they are dealing with in their current season of life is stuff they have struggled to let go of. It's like a lot of folks right now are being brought into a place in their journey where the buried things they've tried to ignore are just coming up to the surface now and begging to be dealt with. And it shows. And it's scary. 

As I've answered teary FaceTime calls from friends, hugged someone as they cried on my shoulder, stayed on the phone or texted with somebody as they admitted they're at the end of their proverbial rope, I've been reminded of just how hard it is to release the things that have held you back. All the motivational mantras and speakers and lectures in the world make it sound as if letting go should be easy: just decide you're going to let the past be and step into a new day. Bingo! Done. No problem. 

Except it's never really looked like that for me and I don't think it often does for most people either. 

I recently posted a video on my social media that talked about how letting go often consists of "an inner scream, a silent tearing apart, a goodbye you never chose to say - a funeral, not a party." And it's honestly been that way with many of things that I've had to work through over the course of my life. Whether it involved forgiving someone who hurt me, making peace with some traumatic events, watching a beloved friendship end, bidding farewell to a deceased loved one or friend, walking away from something that was no longer serving me well... whatever the dynamics looked like, the ache of the tearing away process was hard. Deep down, I knew it was necessary but it didn't make it easy by any means. That shout inside of "nooooooo" just kept on hanging around even as I did the difficult work of closing that chapter and saying goodbye. 

Particularly if it's an unexpected or unwanted transition, turning loose of the things that have held you back can literally take everything inside you. And it's not going to happen instantly. But somehow, most of us have been fed this lie that ending that part of your life and choosing to lean into something new is supposed to be simple and smooth. We think that it should be easy to believe and trust God. Or to forgive someone. Or to love again. Or to move to a new place and begin again. Yet experience shows us that, in anything where we've cared enough to invest something valuable of ourselves into the situation, moving on from it will be difficult. Because we're, in essence, saying goodbye to a part of ourselves along with whatever it is we're putting to rest. Because of that, we often fight our way through the letting go process. 

And still... 

Through the pain and the wrestling of trying to break free from the stuff that's held us back or no longer serves us, comes this reminder that the commandments of God are not burdensome (1 John 5:3) and that His yoke is easy and burden is light (Matthew 11:30). So when we feel shackled by something heavy we can't seem to shake or move out of, perhaps our struggle is we are not fully leaning into the better place God desires to take us to. Because the past is what we know (even if it was unhealthy or painful), that is what we'll keep circling back to. Even when we know it's not longer useful to us, the temptation will be to second guess the choice to move on, or to waste our time in the what-ifs, or to question if we heard right that it was time to let that thing or person or experience go. And thus, we'll take it back again. Think some more over whether or not we're ready to turn loose. 

Because, at the end of the day, we're afraid of what is ahead. Since we don't know what God's best will turn out to be, we would rather trade the possibility of wholeness for the certainty of fear and dysfunction. And even though we hear the call into something better and we say we trust the Guide, we still find it hard to close our past chapters in peace. To bury the shame, the guilt, the fear, the doubts, the trauma and exchange it for the abundant life Jesus promised. "I have come to give you life to the full," Jesus said (John 10:10). Yet most of us are settling for the predictability of a life of halves when a whole world of freedom and healing is available to us. 

Thing is, until we reach a place where we believe that what is ahead will turn out to be better than what we've left behind, we won't completely let go. If we're still convinced there's a chance the story could be different or we're still debating on whether turning loose will end up being a worthwhile risk, we will never release. We may get up our courage and try to turn loose, but we'll end up taking it back and not fully mourning it and saying goodbye because we haven't fully settled in our mind that opening our hands and hearts to something else is a solid trade. Our brains would rather revert to what they know then embrace the idea of something new that feels uncertain. Only in the context of safety and faith can we begin to step toward a new beginning and embrace it for all its worth. 

I don't know what you feel like you're being held back by. I don't know what it is that you've wrestled to let go of. But what it do know is that you must give yourself loads of grace because this process likely will take a bit. Some people may be able to release something quickly but, for most of us, it will probably be awhile. And that's okay. Whatever you need to do in order to feel like you've fully said goodbye... that is essential to your healing journey... so go ahead and take the time. Have the funeral for that memory. Thank that thing for serving you for a season. Forgive as you've been forgiven. Burn that ship if you must. But then turn your face toward the next thing coming and accept that God has a good plan for you up ahead. Some of the very best things that came to me in life arrived on the heals of a major letting go on my part that took place - almost like God made it clear to me I couldn't receive what He wanted to give me until I let something go that made room for it. 

As you stare down this pathway of where letting go might take you, know that there is more ahead for you than you could ever dream. But you can't seize it unless you are willing to open your palms and let God take from you whatever isn't meant for you or what is keeping you from the life you could have. Until your Isaac is put on the altar, full healing will never be possible (Genesis 22:1-19). So today, I give you permission to sit with what is holding you back and grieve it completely. But I also give you permission to dream and believe that God will lead you into something far better than you can ever imagine and that His best is worth whatever sacrifice is asked of you along the way.