When The Miracle Takes A Turn...

 It felt like I was living in the midst of my greatest miracle to date. All the pieces of the story had lined up in ways I couldn't explain apart from the divine orchestration of God, and the confirmations along the way in my prayer life, my Bible reading, and my intuition appeared to be irrefutable. My faith was growing as I watched the circumstances unfold and began to envision a time where I would share this story with the world. It would grow other people's faith, too! It all seemed so life-changing and wonderful. My heart was so happy. For three incredible months, everything felt so...right. I asked God for the grace to steward the miracle well.  

But then, it all changed. 

Literally overnight, the story fell apart. Things turned out to not be what they seemed. A well-crafted lie was exposed and, just like that, it was all over. Devastatingly over. On top of a month where I had already lost two people I knew in my church and nearly lost my pastor in an accident, this latest unexpected twist was kind of the last straw. I just wanted the month to be over. Turn the page. Be gone. Done with. Finished. While I didn't suppress the grief and loss I felt, I also needed to move forward. Turn my attention to the things and loved ones I still had and figure out what was next. I gathered the pieces of it all and set them on a proverbial shelf because it all made no sense and I wasn't about to waste energy trying to figure out what God had been up to. 

Yet the truth is that, sometimes chapters in our story leave us with more questions than answers. We find ourselves confused over what it all meant or why it had to end the way it did. It all seemed so happy! It all felt so right in the moment. How could something that appeared to be so good turn out to be so painful? We wrack our brain attempting to reason our way through the situation and how it possibly came to this...

What about all the dots that seemed to connect? 

What about the positive gut-feeling you had that this was the right thing? 

What about all the affirming things that seemed to leap off the Scripture-page, telling you that God was behind it all? 

What about all the promises someone made, and you believed them? 

What about all the great times you shared? 

What about  the investment of time, energy, emotions, or money that you made? Was it worth it? 

What about the sacrifices you gave? The move you made? The way you offered up yourself with the best of intentions? 

Was it all for nothing? 

Feelings of guilt can start to creep in as you wonder if you should've seen the signs sooner... 

Are you a failure for not catching the red flags? 

But then, what if there didn't seem to be any, and this only fell apart at the eleventh hour? 

Can you forgive what happened? Absolve yourself of any wrong doing and resign to the fact that sometimes, life just happens and brokenness is the result? 

Confused, our questions along with the disappointment, devastation, sadness, anger, and disillusionment we face in the wake of our situation can start to slide us down the path toward unbelief. We can slowly begin to hold God responsible and wonder why He didn't do anything to stop it. We can wonder if we heard Him right all that time or where He is now in the aftermath of it all. With every doubt, every fear, every second of resentment, we can move ever so slightly further and further from the Grace that holds us together when everything around us suddenly falling apart. We can lose sight of the Hope that sustains us in a sea of uncertainty. 

The challenge when the story has an unexpected twist is to still believe that God is good. When the miracle has taken a turn or the prayer was answered with a no instead of a yes, will you dare to trust that God has not left the room? Will you still believe in the promise of redemption and that nothing is wasted in the Kingdom of God, not even the deepest losses or crosses we bear? That, my friend, is the thing on which hangs our whole destiny in the wake of the suffering we have tasted. We do not often pick the things we walk through, but we choose how we'll live out what comes after. We can either give that tragedy a permanent space in our mind and spirit, allowing it to define us and have power over the person we become, or we can trust that it is making room for something better... that God is up to way more than we presently feel or see and that love and joy will eventually replace the sorrow. 

I'm no closer to any answers in my situation than I was the day it all collapsed. The pieces are still sitting on that proverbial shelf with no sign of repair or apparent clarity. While I can point to some valuable lessons I took away from those three months, there's a lot that still doesn't make sense. Perhaps it will at a later time, perhaps it won't. Only God knows. But therein lies the most comforting truth of all to me: the fact that God knows is enough for me. I may always have questions about that season in my life, but I'll never have to question if God was with me through it all. Him to whom nothing is a mystery asks that I offer up my own mysteries and leave them with Him. He can handle them. He knows how it will all end. And I can take heart that, because He is guiding all that happens, I don't need to worry or fear if it will have a good ending. 

So may this be a solace to your own aching spirit if you've found yourself in your own season of devastating loss or change: you're right that this isn't right and this hurts and it all feels so very shattered and awful. You're right. It is. And it does. And it maybe even will be for a long time. But if you entrust even this to the hands of the One who never fails to redeem the worst, this painful thing will not have the last word. Resurrection will. Perhaps not this side of Heaven, but in the end, all will be well. This will take time to heal from, no doubt. But God will not waste this. And don't you waste the harsh mercy of this pain either.