Misplaced Loyalty

 I've been thinking a lot lately about misplaced loyalty. I've come to see that it's a concept not often spoken about in our circles today but one that carries a lot of weight when it comes to mental health and gaining clarity regarding situations in our lives that impact us. Because here's the thing: many people have severe issues with commitment and, for them, loyalty is a big problem. These individuals change jobs and marriages and friendships like most of us change our shirts and have difficulty sticking with something or someone for any length of time before rushing onto the next thing. But there are others out there, like me, for whom this isn't the problem; rather, we are extremely loyal and committed to anything we set our minds to and to anyone we place our care upon. We are dedicated to the cause or person almost to a fault, willing to stretch ourselves and be stretched all for the sake of service and keeping everyone comfortable and happy. 

In most cases, this attitude is a good thing. After all, I'd far rather someone was overly committed than not committed enough. Yet, even erring on the side of loyalty can be an issue. Because there are times in life when that loyalty will be misunderstood, misrepresented, and downright taken advantage of. There will be circumstances when that loyalty, however well-intended, will only run one way. And this sincere dedication can drive one to stay in relationships or commitments well past their intended purpose simply because one doesn't know when to let go. 

As a mental wellness advocate, I come across situations all the time where people are finding themselves wilting under the intensity of certain relationships or situations in their lives and feeling powerless to do anything about them. They are exhausted, stressed out, frustrated, and feeling stifled and yet discouraged that there doesn't seem like anything they can do about it. A few years ago, that was me. Even though the work-related and personal situations I was dealing with brought me a lot of anxiety and stress, I kept on hanging in there. I know I'm not alone in this either. Many of you have probably done the same thing. 

But why? Why do we do this to ourselves? 

I've come to think it's because we don't know when to walk away. We don't even know we can walk away. We don't understand the degree to which we have the ability to change our situation by simply acknowledging and confronting the dysfunction we are dealing with. And often, the reason is because our loyalty has gotten in the way. Our desire to please, to perform, to be committed, and to be accepted has clouded our judgement so that we are unable to realistically see people and things for who and what they really are. 

When my eyes were opened about a year ago to the toxicity of a few situations in my life, I was surprised. While I hadn't been entirely blind to the fact that there was a degree of disorder or impaired function within these friendships or commitments, I had also naively believed that somehow I could win over the unhealthy people and change the environment by my positivity, work ethic, and loving attitude. I genuinely and idealistically thought that if I just hung in there and patiently kept putting up with the unhealthy behavior, things would improve and eventually, the dysfunction would a thing of the past. 

Something I've come to realize, though, is that loyalty that only runs one direction is futile. Pointless. Stupid. You don't use your biggest strengths or your greatest gifts on situations and people who fail to appreciate and value them for what they are. Just as you wouldn't spend money on or go out of your way to fix a gourmet meal for someone who wouldn't truly enjoy and savor it. It's just not smart. Yet we do this with our commitments and relationships all the time! Our misplaced loyalty leads us to remain in certain places or stick it out with certain people because we don't know how to take some control back of the situation and change up what's going on. We don't recognize their behavior for what it is and we don't value our own mental, physical, and emotional well-being enough to redirect our loyalty away from where its been into something or someone far more deserving and appreciative of it. 

What I'm starting to see is that we're all given a limited amount of inner resources to invest in and share with the world. We're not meant to keep them to ourselves and most of the time, we do pretty well at picking when and how to use them on those we deem worthy of them. However, there are some cases where we've made a bad personal investment and used some precious energy, time, and mental strength on commitments that weren't healthy or in our long-term best interests. Once we recognize that this is the case, what we do next determines the degree to which we're willing to protect and guard the best of ourselves and use it where it matters most. 

As a Christian, I'm understanding that anytime loyalty to someone or something other than my Creator takes center stage, I'm bound to fail. Because I've set certain people's expectations or needs ahead of my own and even ahead of Christ and have decided subtly that I'd rather give up sacred parts of who I am just because I'm afraid to lose someone or something or I'm too weak to speak up or even walk away. And predictably, the more aggressive types among us are all too willing to step in and take over and begin to prey on my compliance and dedication, asking too much of me and pushing me to be someone I wasn't meant to be and to carry burdens I only take on because I hate to disappoint. 

After months of soul-searching and re-evaluating, I can see where and how my misplaced loyalty led me astray. And I've had to forgive myself for failing to see this sooner. 

But I've also come to know the power of protecting and valuing enough the inner resources I've been given that I'm unwilling to use them on situations and relationships where they will be devalued and unappreciated. Where the unhealthy will just look for ways to use me instead of respect me, to take advantage instead of genuinely want what I have to give. It's understanding that becoming mentally healthy is being loyal to and committing to reality at all costs. It's looking honesty at things and people as they are right now instead of naively imagining what could be and waiting for something to happen or change that may never be. 

A life without non-negotiables, without guardrails and boundaries, is one where you find yourself at the mercy and whim of everyone and everything else instead of guided by the inner principles and purpose that you treasure the most and, when you've sacrificed those things for a little false acceptance or misplaced loyalty, you end up paying dearly for that. 

Perhaps you're sitting here reading this today and suddenly realizing, like I did, that there are people and things you've kept on investing in emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually that are draining your best inner resources all for the sake of over-commitment and failing to give yourself permission to change something, end something, confront something, or walk away from something. There's a bewildered feeling to waking up to this fact. It's not fun and it's painful. There's a grief that comes from having your eyes opened to the simple realization that you could've done something a long time ago to help yourself and get out from an unhealthy situation but you stayed too long because you just cared too much. You wanted something or someone too much. You didn't understand that it would be better to put your loyalty somewhere else where you'd get a greater reward out of it. 

May I leave you today with a word of encouragement? Your Savior didn't waste a lot of His teaching on people like the Pharisees who were too self-conceited to hear and receive Him and His truth. He instead went out in search of people who would actually welcome and appreciate His wisdom and His love. He invested in places where it would produce the greatest eternal benefit. And so should we. Remember, your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being isn't worth sacrificing just to pacify somebody or keep them happy. Your God-given life-mission isn't worth sidelining for the sake of some expectations that you can't possibly meet, however hard you try. The very best of who you are - your unique gifts and personality and perspective and interests - aren't worth giving up just because somebody is in love with a version of you that doesn't exist. 

You are a special and amazing person whom God made on purpose for His glory and to do great things in the world. What a shame it would be if that person became hidden just because you didn't understand how to guard the precious, limited resources of yourself and gave unlimited access to people who didn't see you for who you really were and failed to appreciate the incredible way you were meant to shine! 

Be loyal, friend. Without a doubt, be loyal! But also, be smart. Put that loyalty where it needs to lie the most. And don't be afraid to face the truth when it appears as though that loyalty has been misplaced in an attempt to go along in order to get along. By playing it wisely, you can invest the best of yourself in people and opportunities that bring you the greatest joy and create the biggest impact. By assessing the access unhealthy people have to you and being willing to redirect your commitment away from areas where it isn't doing the most good, you can ensure that your dedication to the people and things that mean the most to you does so without regret or unnecessary pain along the way. And, as I wish that for myself, so I wish that more than anything for you, also.