Permission To Change

 "You've changed." 

Sometimes those two words can be taken as a compliment, indication that somebody has noticed a positive improvement of some sort in your life. Yet other times, it can mean something entirely different - almost as if someone is mourning something about you that feels lost to time. 

When a friend of several years said these words over the phone to me months back, I knew by the way in which they were spoken that this wasn't about celebrating steps of growth in my journey as it was grieving and grasping at an out-dated version of me that was no longer part of who I'm becoming today. And since then, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the process and role of change in our lives. 

This became evident to me recently leading up to an event I was supposed to attend. Days before, I could feel the anxiety rolling around in my body and I couldn't put a finger on why I felt so agitated. I hadn't seen some of the people who were supposed to attend in 2-3 years and was looking forward to being with them and catching up. Yet something deep inside felt paralyzed and unsafe. I wondered why. 

Our bodies talk to us and most of us fail to listen, neglect to truly hear what they are trying to tell us about ourselves. Because they hold the entirety of our stories, whether we want them to or not, and if we do not pay attention, they will, at some point, force us to. 

And these days, I'm trying to tune in more...

So I asked God to show me. I prayed that He would open my eyes to understand yet another aspect of my healing process I've yet to comprehend. And I determined to go in with eyes and heart open, to pay attention to my inner sense of safety and to face whatever fear or flashback might appear. Sometimes in order to move forward, you have to cross that threshold of discomfort - feel a temporary pain so that you can experience a permanent gain. 

And open my eyes He did. A comment here, some body-language there and it was like the room had separated into two camps: those who "got it" and those who didn't. And I realized that part of the trouble I'd fought for so long was that some of those individuals had known me a large portion of my life but had never continued with me. In some of their eyes, I was still that little girl or that teenager and not a grown woman of her own with new dreams, battle-tested from the ache of life. In certain conversations, I was interested to see that it felt almost like I was introducing them to a new person... because, in all honesty, I am not the same as I once was when they knew me all those years ago. A few responded warmly and moved into what I had to give; others, not so much. And that's when I realized something very profound: 

All long-lasting, meaningful relationships grow together as people change together. After all, our whole journey with God is an invitation to transformation and when people fail to move with and celebrate that in each other, they move apart. It's really that simple. 

Whether it's parents, teachers, friends, significant others, spouses - whatever the relationship may be - if permission is not given to change... if there isn't a letting go of who we've been before in favor of who we choose and want to become... instead, if there is stifling, holding on, controlling, manipulating, guilting, shaming, then we all start to feel trapped. When others remain in certain chapters or seasons of our lives and fail to keep traveling forward with us, supporting us as we go, then there becomes this destructive pull backwards. 

Truth is, some people are more in love with a version of us that they like instead of the actual us that exists. They would rather stick with the person you once were (which may or may not have been good) and try to keep you coming back to that instead of letting you morph into what you see yourself turning into for the future. Some folks just never grow with you. They've kept you frozen in time somewhere and, while you acknowledge that perhaps that version of your relationship was okay back then, you know now that it isn't reflective of the person life has shaped you into since or even where you're going. 

Revisiting that conversation I had sometime ago on the phone, I replied to that friend that I had indeed changed but not necessarily for the worst. For the better, in fact. I reminded them that a life without growth, without transformation, is really no life at all and, while certain basic values or personality traits should be brought with us, other parts of who we are die and alter along the way. And that's okay. And if someone cannot accept that, that's an issue.

 It all comes down to trust, and some people just don't trust us enough to let us be. To leave us alone long enough to find our own paths and figure out what's best for us. They'd rather be God in our lives, taking the place of the Almighty (all in the name of love, of course!) when it comes to advising and guiding our life-decisions and the unfolding of our stories. They're insecure enough that they're willing to grab the pen and start writing in their own lines into our personal narrative than simply focus on their own and honor our right to pen what we'd like. 

When I allow myself a moment to reflect on some of the darker days in my past, I realize that there is no way you can-not be changed when you have to clean and change the bedding on your incontinent grandma's bed as she is dying from cancer. There's no way you can-not be changed when you have to change the medical dressing on your father's wound following surgery. There's no way you can-not be changed when you suddenly lose your best friend to a heart attack and you realize your world has been rocked forever and the grief is enough to cut you right in half. 

So yes, I have changed. And I am proud of it. 

Part of living life is learning to walk into the old places as a new you - to embrace who you are now while giving a nod to your past self. And being able to say, "sorry, not sorry" to those who'd rather keep you stuck in a previous chapter when all you want to do is keep on writing new ones. 

I don't know if this is perhaps where you find yourself also. If, when you think of certain influential voices in your life, you hear their pressure to adapt or go back to a certain time or certain way that, to you, feels in the past and you'd like to keep it that way. Maybe certain people are making it hard for you to move on because they don't realize that particular change, in the way you need it, is good and it's okay and it's necessary. 

May I just take a minute to say that it's perfectly alright to grow? That these voices, while impactful, are not reflective of the real you or the you that is in process. May I encourage you to ask yourself if there are other voices that would actually benefit you much more that are worth you getting closer to? And those others who may be holding you back...? yeah, it's alright to give yourself some space from those people. To begin to create the story, in conjunction with God, that you alone are meant to live. They are not you, and you are not them. Each of you is living your own story and if those individuals can't move through the changing seasons and experiences of life and keep fighting your transformation at every turn, you have every right to set some healthy boundaries and to do what you need to in order to hear God's voice and your own inner sense more readily. 

We all should have a healthy relationship with our past - to honor and deal with old wounds and past sins and hard times - yet the past shouldn't define us to the point where we're never granted permission to move our way into different adventures and fresh starts. And part of healing is having a strong community of support where people are for you no matter what, where, or who you are at the time and will always keep walking the journey at your side, for better or for worse. That's real love. And everybody deserves that, including you.