Trauma-Talk

 There's a strength that's pulsing through my veins right now as I slowly, intentionally, bravely keep on taking power back from the things that have long pinned me down. Like a wrestler on the verge of defeat, I've staggered to my knees and now I'm nearly standing, holding my ground and fighting back against the memories and emotions that have defined me, shamed me, claimed me for too many years. 

You know, it's funny that sometimes you stumble on the perfect metaphor for how you feel in the strangest of places or the wildest of ways. You find that a certain thing puts into perspective all the jumble of feelings or thoughts you've searched for means to express and now, you can just point and say, "yes...like that." 

Standing at the doorway of that conference room, that's how I felt... 

A necessary drop-off had meant that I had to enter that building and walk past that room that had held so much power over me... twice. The first time, I tried not to look there. Told myself to just keep going and get done what I came for. But, on the way back, I couldn't help but take a second to fix my eyes on the carpet being ripped out and the renovations being done and realize that symbolized my bad memories being carted out with it all. The table - sight of so many heated conversations - and the chairs where I had white-knuckle gripped and tried to silently breathe in the face of tension, where gone. Likely new ones will take their place. 

And I said quietly to that room as I stood there, "You are no longer the scene of some of my worst memories. You do not control me or my life any longer. " 

And as I walked out and the doors shut behind me, I felt a chapter close too. One I'd resented for a very long time. Because I hadn't known, until recently, what to do with that season. How to make peace with it or resolve it... especially when those involved will likely never own what they did or apologize. 

How do you forgive when it seems like your brain won't let you? How do you move on when it feels like you're stuck in a time-loop, replaying the pain over and over again and unable to move forward and put the past exactly where it belongs...back there? 

Walking out to my car and suddenly feeling extremely liberated, I realized something profound: sometimes you have to talk to your trauma. Tell it that it no longer owns you... that you are a free, loved, and accepted human being no longer defined by the words or actions of others or the unasked-for pain life brought. While this may sound callous or insensitive, it's a necessary part of the healing process for, without it, you will never be able to be entirely whole or healed. 

Science talks about the fact that our brains are wired to remember and adjust to whatever we most frequently ponder and accept as truth, leading to the logical conclusion that one cannot form a new habit, a new idea, a new way of living unless one replaces the old with something new. And perhaps this was what Paul was after when it said to contemplate what is true, honest, lovely, of good report because he knew that we are shaped by the things we reflect on. 

And just maybe, when a trauma-brain has been wrecked by the worst things, it's of even more value to help it learn a new way forward. To teach it how to see beauty in the breaking. To cause it to adjust its patterns to a healthier way of functioning that shows it there is life after the pain. Because otherwise, it will continue to play what it knows...over and over and over. The amygdala will active and the logic will shut down as cortisol flushes through the body and heart races and body trembles and we re-live the experiences again as if they happened yesterday. Because, to the brain, it's as if they did. And no amount of time and distance can change that. 

That is, unless we change. 

Change with the pain and allow its transformation work to happen. Choose to re-frame how things went down and instead, wrap them in gratitude and healing thoughts. Feel ourselves chosen in love and belonging to Love Himself. Always held, always kept, always safe no matter what our worst memories try to trick us into believing. Because a thought or a memory doesn't necessarily equal a present reality and what may feel real isn't actually so. 

Sometimes the only way you can start to take your life back from the steely grasp of trauma is to talk to it and tell it the truth. To remind it of who you really are - not who it's turned you into - and most importantly, Whose you are regardless. 

Trauma can lie and our hearts can cry as we desperately seek to find meaning in a tragedy we did not want. Yet, healing happens when we turn our faces into the face of our hurt and tell it our God is bigger. That Grace is stronger than our worst fear. That we are hostages to the stories that have silenced us and owned us. We get the choice to do self-brain care and figure out how to start owning them. 

This doesn't mean we won't keep getting visits from our trauma. We will. But when it appears, we can learn to thank it for checking in with us and then tell it that it will no longer keep us from a good moment. That, whatever joy or happiness we may be experiencing at the time will not be ruined by the sudden and unwelcome visit of our past. That we are choosing to look at life a different way and that the trauma or the trigger can just go on now and leave us alone to enjoy the new life we are seeking to create. 

We may have to tell ourselves this over and over because it's proven it may take weeks or months to teach the brain a new way of functioning. Old patterns die hard and, when it the mind doesn't know any different, it won't change quickly. But, if we keep at it, we will start to notice the difference. Feel the power lessen, feel the grip loosen. 

It's taking awhile to find my way on this path and perhaps you're in the middle of doing the same. Untangling lies and blame and shame and all the ugly things that have sent you down a road you didn't want or ask to go. There are probably moments you feel utterly helpless and hopeless. Times you think you'll never be free of this inner monster that tries to run your life on so many levels. Trauma is real and it is hard and it's a guest you're stuck with that you feel like you can't kick out. 

Just know that your brain has the capacity to change. It wasn't until about twenty-five years ago that scientists discovered this, and this ought to give you hope that you can address your trauma honestly... and win. You can begin to take the steps you need toward obtaining peace and healing in your life. It will take courage, and you won't be able to do it until you're ready to do it. Trust me - I know. But if and when you do, it will be worth it. 

My hope is that you eventually have your own moment as I did where that proverbial (or literal!) click of the door signifies a necessary ending and a simultaneous new beginning. Because fresh starts are what God specializes in. And the same power that resurrected His Son, Jesus, from the dead, is alive and working inside of you...always moving and allowing the sad things to come untrue in your own life so that the words and actions and experiences that have spoken death over you for so long never have the final say.