Restore

 Toward the end of last year, He gave me the word: restore. And He gave it to me with the promise that in this new year, I would see fruit of all the tears, all the struggles, all the dark days. That this would be the turning point where all that had been stolen would be given back in new blessings, fresh starts. But I didn't know how... 

...and I certainly wouldn't have guessed it would look like this. 

I didn't understand that restoration sometimes looks like demolition - that it necessitates you peel back layers upon layers to see what lies beneath. That you have to ask the question if what's there is worth saving or simply starting over. It never occurred to me that more pain would result before healing could happen. 

But it's true of any renovation in any way in any life: fail to look underneath, and all you'll do is just cover over and let the decay keep on coming. Oh... you can throw up some drywall and paint and pretend like all is new, but if you never made certain all was sound and clean behind it, you will eventually discover the leaks continue dripping, the mould continues growing, the termites continue eating away...until you have no structure left, and it is beyond saving.

If you want to repair, you have to accept that tearing apart is inescapable. 

Somehow, my eyes have been opened in that this part of the restoration process. This ripping, digging, demolishing has its own purpose. And I am a fool not to go along with it. Not to let it run its course. Not to welcome it as part of my cure. For, without it, I cannot mend. 

Memories on memories keep coming to the surface as I walk this path of re-discovering who I am. Of finding hope in unexpected places. Of circling back to where I left before tragedy hit. Of picking up pieces left in its wake. Of processing unnamed things long neglected. 

It's unpleasant - this dismantling. It forces you to ask yourself things you never thought you would. It makes you recall words and deeds and all sorts of hurtful moments you tried to forget. Makes you realize the abuse, the mis-use, the mal-treatment did more damage than you perhaps wanted to admit. That voices and negative messages and lies all stick with you, even when you try to push them away. That sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we begin to believe the un-truths that have been spoken over us. That we start turning into somebody we don't recognize because we've been compromised by those who never had our best interests at heart. 

It hurts - this having to sort through the past and acknowledge the reality of what has been said or done to you. Or worse, having to forgive yourself for what you've said or done to your own soul... for allowing yourself to buy into the falsehoods and not recognizing the problems soon enough. For failing to find your voice and instead, letting your precious thoughts and emotions and gifts be silenced and your ambitions squashed. For letting those incredible qualities He placed within you go to waste because pleasing others, even as they took advantage of you, was more important than pleasing Him and being your best self. 

It's true that some days I look in the mirror and I'm not sure who's there. There is no confidence, sense of self-worth, or enthusiasm to achieve. What's there instead is fear, insecurity, suspicion...

...Because I didn't know back then how to own my own way. How to be so captivated with the divine purpose in my life that I didn't have time for the critics, the abusers, the abandoners. I didn't know. 

But... I do now.

And so starts a new beginning... a flipping of the focus from believing what I've been told to believing what He has said. A turning of the page toward new chapters of limitless opportunities, possibility, and hope. Of being un-afraid to let the bad out so the good can find a way in. Because the Light and Love always find a way in. Because He finds a way in. Every time. 

It's hard work - this un-doing. And I know it's only the beginning of a long road back. Back to value and strength and worth and potential. It's a move away from letting others control my destination and taking back the power from memories that have long held me hostage. It's setting that inner someone that's been crying out for so many years, free. 

This, in the mysterious ways of God, is what restore is looking like for me in this season. But just maybe, it's also looking the same for you. It's possible He's led you out to this wilderness spot to speak peace to you and slowly enable you to regain what the Enemy and others have chipped away at for so long. This could be the appointed time when He displays His grace to you like never before as He proves to you that, with Him, there's always a chance to start over. 

When we've come to the end... we can begin again. Because that's how God works. 

You and I may feel right now like a building taken down to its studs with only frames of who we were left. There may be empty space where there were once walls. There may be a dumpster full of nasty words, unkind actions, lies, fears, and all manner of things we've had to ditch and tear out along the way. But you know what, friend? That's okay. 

It's okay to be here right now. It's okay to finally stare at those horrible things you've kept trying to ignore and name them for what they are. It's okay to acknowledge their existence and  the pain that they brought. It's okay to bring them all to Jesus and ask Him to sew up all the places where we're still bleeding. This is part of what restore looks like in our journeys. And... maybe it's just me... but I'd rather I go through the ache of letting go, ripping out, and looking at what's hidden below than run the risk of allowing these undealt-with issues to continue unaddressed. 

In the end, I want the finished product to be better, braver, wiser, stronger than what I started with. I want the renewed version to be more Grace-full, more loving, more saturated with Him than the crumbling heap I'm staring at now. I have a dream of what this life of mine can be like and, even more, I know He's got a dream for it, also. We're putting our heads together - He and I - and we're doing the hard things, one little step at a time. Each day, we're doing what's necessary to reclaim, re-make, re-birth. 

Yes, restore feels and seems a bit difficult right now, but I know it'll someday be worth it. And then, I'll look back and be thankful for the path I took.