Soul-Thaw

 Icicles dangle and drip in sun's warming as rays reign down and begin to melt the earth below. Underneath the hard-pack of winter's accumulation, I hear the trickle of running water...a reminder that soon, all will be thaw. And, in my heart, I'm feeling a slow-thaw of my own...

God's love is always moving, never stopping. And below the frozen-ness that is my soul, Love is always working, never ceasing. Forever flowing. 

What Alaskans call "break up" (aka "Spring" everywhere else) is the ugliest time of the year. Streets and parking lots become ponds and rivers of snow-melt as frosty water runs free and finds its own path. Trees not yet budded-out stand brown and bare, waiting for leaf-green to grace their branches. For those who say they want to visit this time of year, I tell them to hold off a little. Because Spring in the Arctic takes longer and perhaps the same is true for the soul that's held out for its own Spring. And sometimes our soul-thaws aren't that pretty either. 

Busted up and bruised, beaten and battered, we barely even notice that we are changing seasons. On the surface, it still feels like winter. Night-freeze still chills, and we still seem hard-frozen. But, deep within, the stirrings of Grace are indicating it will not stay this way forever. But, en route to the bursting forth of beauty after ashes, we must endure the messiness. Must learn to be okay with putting the mud boots on and wading through our own puddles and leftovers from winter's cold. Must sit through the waiting before the signs of new life begin to emerge. 

Healing always happens in stages and God always works in phases and I cannot appreciate the coming season if I haven't accepted the previous one or chosen to be content living the in-between. 

Sun penetrates my face as it streams fresh-light into the house. One thing about living up North is you learn to be alright losing the light. You learn to befriend the darkness. Eyes squint as bright rays feel too bright to vision that's grown accustomed to the seemingly-endless night. Snow-glare greets with surprising blindness and sometimes, coming into His light can feel blinding too. Can meet you with such force that your heart feels a bit like that of the Apostle Paul on the road to Damascus - met unexpectedly by Grace and startled by Love. 

But once you've walked through the dark... once you've lived winter's harsh...you find yourself seeing the signals of hope's return. You notice the tree-ends growing fat, signaling that sap is once again running upward and soon, all will be color and green once again. You see bulb-shutes pushing through hardened soil, soon to give way to brightest blooms and announcing that the cycle of joy after mourning is once more underway. You notice bird songs growing louder and temperatures ticking upward and everything around you becomes a moment of "yes" because you see it clear: you would never notice at all had you never lost it. You would never welcome it all back if you did not have to let it go for a time. 

Sometimes you must lose before you can gain. Must lose what you value, must lose who you are even... because in His rhythms, loss precedes finding. Discovery is always prefaced by removal, gift following the turning loose. Sight comes with having seen what it's like to be without and, in our lack, we are shown what is of most importance. 

I'm feeling my soul slowly starting to come alive. It's been a long winter... one that's lasted well beyond the calendar year. There has been darkest-night, and I've long wondered if I could survive it. Wondered if there ever would be a Spring. Because sometimes you can feel as if it all will last forever and you'll never see the dawn again. But, sure as the One who determines it, the dawn is coming back. And I'm stepping towards it with every brave stride. 

Not only is it becoming Spring outside, it's becoming Spring on the inside. And I'm breathing thanks for having been enabled to hold on - to hold out - until it returned. 

Perhaps this isn't your Spring season. Perhaps it is. Either way, you're in a season nonetheless. It could be still winter's cold in your soul or fall's dying or summer's heat. Maybe you're even in the in-between. But you're where He's deemed it best that you be. And let it cause you to take heart that wherever you are, you will not always be there. The season will change and you will keep moving forward because your God moves forward and He is always renewing, always re-making. Always reminding you that you are loved, held safe...no. matter. what! 

Gutters pour and snow slides off roof and all the earth wakes up in a thrill of glorious re-birth. 

Spring-symphony sounds a chorus of hope as the world comes alive to the sound of Him and, once again, I am reminded that He makes all things beautiful in His time...never mine.