Beginning...Again

 Christian singer/song-writer, Jason Gray, once penned in a song lyric that "when you come to the end, you can begin again." And, for months, I wondered if that was true. 

I wondered if it was possible to love again, hope again, believe again after so much had upended world. After unexpected grief had nearly destroyed me, ground me to such a dust that I doubted if I would ever feel alive again. From some of the darkest depths I'd ever plumbed, I wondered if such pain as this could possibly birth something new. If it was true that there was life after death, hope following despair. 

Even as I'd preached the truth over and over to others of how suffering is the agent that draws out the soul...even as I'd written the words continuously that no hardship we face is ever wasted in the Kingdom of God....even as I'd told people time and again that when something ends is always prophesies a beginning... somehow, I wasn't sure if that would be the case. Deep soul-wrenching hurt can do that to a person - cause them to doubt everything they've ever said they believed. 

And yet, I find myself now on the precipice of starting over. And somehow, in a way I can only describe as the work of Grace, my heart is beginning to beat again. Ever so softly, ever so slightly. But the rhythm of love is setting the soul aright. And I'm suddenly realizing that the joy is returning to me once more. Not every day, not all the time. But more than before. A soul-thaw is underway after the worst winter of the heart I could've ever imagined. 

It's a new year, and I'm beginning it as a somewhat new me. Certainly not the me that began 2020. I'm beginning it as one on the road to recovery, having been undergoing months of physical, emotional, and mental therapy that only a full-on stoppage of my life could've ever produced. Countless books read, lectures listened to, stories absorbed, Scripture-truth ingested have all done their work. Coupled with the loving support of those closest to me, I'm gently stepping from the most awful night of my soul and finally seeing the first rays of the sunrise. 

And, in so doing, I've begun to dream again. 

To dream of future happiness, of future goals, of future hopes. To picture a life marked less by loss and more by love. To envision a season of giving back, of paying it forward. To imagine a time of taking all these hard things and handing them over to God to be used as seed for an even greater harvest. 

To this note, it's time to reveal one of those dreams. Had a world health crisis not put me in the quiet of my home for weeks at a time last year, had I not lost one of my best friends unexpectedly...had I not undergone the potential of another close friendship ending...had I not been to countless funerals in the span of just under two years... had I not been hearing the cries of the depressed even as I wrestled with my own...had I not faced over thirteen years of living with the after-effects of unwanted trauma...had I not sat and learned at the feet of others whose pain was far worse than my own...this new dream would never have come to fruition. It is the fruit of years of tears. 

While I've written, shared, and poured myself exclusively into this blog for close to seven years now, I am sensing it's time to expand the message. While the mission of "helping the hurting to find hope" is still the same, the avenues by which it is shared are about to grow. And that excites me. 

Enter now the "Grace Moments" podcast - a place where conversations take place about finding hope in the face of suffering, of navigating unexpected challenge, of learning how to properly empathize with the hurting, of creating safe space to be vulnerable, of talking honestly about grief, loss, depression, and doubt as well as faith, hope, and belief...all through the lens of a spiritual and biblical framework, giving listeners a solid foundation of perspective by which to walk through the darkest moments of their lives or that of those around them. Episodes will be also interspersed with inspiring interviews, detailing the incredible stories of remarkable people whose lives have greatly impacted my own journey - stories of resilience, courage, authenticity, and hope which, I trust, will give listeners encouragement regarding the challenges they currently face. 

This is the start of something I hope will touch many lives and perhaps make a small but meaningful difference in the ongoing discussion of mental health and wellness.  It is my prayer that it becomes an invitation into fuller, deeper, richer relationship with the God who makes all things new and Who alone can bring purpose from the greatest pain we encounter in this life. 

For years, I've struggled to find my voice and own my place as a spokesperson for the hurting. But now it's time to accept that role completely, humbly and see what God chooses to do with it. 

I have survived. And now I'm learning how to thrive. And somehow, strange as it seems, I find a unique sort of healing comes in presenting the truth about where you've been, of sharing the lessons you've learned and expressing how the seasons of your life have shaped and influenced the person you've become. And, with every brave moment in which you tell that story, hard as it may be, you oddly find that you discover a little more of your voice. You find a little more confidence. You see a little more hope. 

As with all my other endeavors, this journey isn't about me. It never was to begin with. It's about directing all people in all circumstances to the only Answer there is as to why we suffer. It's about allowing my story (as well as that of others I know) to breathe life into souls that are dying of despair, reminding them that there is a Redeemer who takes all these broken pieces and creates something beautiful from them all. 

I hope that you will continue to join me as this message expands into yet another avenue. Subscribe to the podcast on Apple and Spotify (search under my full name), and look out for the weekly episodes. 

I can't wait to get started on this new venture. It is the product of hours of research, prayer, and personal investment in recent months - an idea that has been gestating for some time now and one that, if I'm honest, I never would've expected even a year ago. 

But God leads sometimes to paths we do not know or anticipate. Yet, as He does, the best thing always to do is put our hand in His and say that we'll obediently go where He asks. Even if it takes us to places we would rather avoid, going with Him anyway and holding out for the redemptive end is always worth it. 

In this case, it birthed something new and, for that, I am grateful.