What Happens After

I woke up that morning and actually prayed I'd see him that day. He is usually there every year but this time in particular, I needed to see him. To get a hug from somebody I knew would deeply understand. Someone who had learned to survive loss and grow from it. 

No sooner had I arrived at the national cemetery that Memorial Day when I saw him . We hadn't even said hello yet but in my heart I thanked God for answering my prayer. For caring enough to give me something I needed desperately. 

For nearly the last ten years, we have attended this ceremony together and remembered the brave among us who "gave their last full measure of devotion," as Lincoln once put it. Well I recall the first time Josh came to this ceremony. He'd recently moved to the area thanks to a new job, but Alaska had been special to him long before he came here. His best friend, Shane, whom he'd been stationed with in the Army while serving in Iraq, was from here. Shane loved to tell Josh all the reasons why he should come and visit - why this state was a bit of God's country. Josh always said he would...someday. But that deployment changed a lot of dreams. Josh got seriously injured and then Shane was killed. Josh now knew that if he ever visited Alaska, Shane would not be part of that. Shane's family had him buried in the national cemetery on Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson. Following the ceremony every year, I join Josh at Shane's grave to pay our respects together. And each year it seems to get a little easier for Josh. And, as he heals, the party grows every time because it's not just us anymore. Now he brings friends and other dignitaries he's met that also attend and asks them to come celebrate Shane's life for a few minutes. 

But this time was different. A week earlier, I had learned the devastating news of my Alex's death. I had only had a matter of days to wrap my mind around the fact that he, whom I considered a brother in every way except by blood, was gone. I had spent the better part of the previous week in tears of grief, heart torn right in two. Memorial Day had always been special to us - we always texted each other to say that we were thinking of one another. That we were thinking of Michael, of Grant, of Andy. Of Christopher. Of all those whose sacrifice would forever be near and dear to our hearts. Now, I found myself left to mourn Alex, too. That particular Memorial Day could honestly not have come at a worse time. 

Tears streamed down my face as I watched the flag fly high above the cemetery. A flag my Alex had put his own life on the line to defend. A flag both our friends died to honor. The National Anthem just didn't sound the same this time. Neither did the Marines' Hymn. Everything was a reminder to me of what I'd just lost. Everything spoke of endings. Endings I didn't want to be true. 

But somehow, in the midst of my shock and grief, I knew I could trust Josh. Because Josh had been there before. And, in a moment I can only describe as a gift from God, we stood at Shane's grave and had a moment to ourselves. As tears once more came to my eyes, I told him what had happened. Told him it all seemed to surreal. So wild. So almost...wrong. Told him the sadness seemed beyond what I thought I could bear. I missed my Alex so much. I just wanted him back. 

He who had known deep darkness put his strong arm around my shoulder and then spoke life into my own dark. He promised me the darkness would only deepen before it got better. That many more days of emotion and sadness awaited me. But he also promised me that whatever the forecast of our lives, God has pledged to us that He'll be there with us and help us through it. That the darkness never has the last word. He reminded me that we're placed on this earth to discover God and to help others discover Him. That, if we do that, it's His job to handle the complicated stuff - the things beyond our human comprehension. "Our job is simply to show up and let God handle the rest," he said. 

I wondered where he was going with this or what kind of comforting words these might be to an aching heart. But then he explained. He reassured me that I'd shown up for my Alex. I'd been the love of Jesus to him in ways most would never understand. That, in my grief, I should take hope in that I'd had an opportunity to be involved in God's plan for his life, even if it was shorter than expected. Josh said that, when we deal with end-of-life situations, we can comfort ourselves with the assurance that we know God is going to show up in our grief just as He did when we still had that loved one with us. That after awhile, it almost doesn't become surprising because you just know God's going to be there. Because of this truth, when faced with hours of darkness, we don't have to be afraid of them. 

At the moment, I didn't believe a lot of what was said. But, in time, I hoped and felt I likely would. My eyes fell to the verse inscribed on Shane's headstone: "To live is Christ and to die is gain" (Phil. 1:21). And I had to think to myself, maybe what Josh means is that endings, while painful, also prove to be beginnings. 

Months later, I hold a Christmas card in my hands from the mother whose son I dearly loved. Inside it, she says it's the first one she's sent since he died. And I feel honored. I think back over the months since I found out he was gone and the sad yet beautiful things that have happened through the grief. This is one of them. And I feel that by showing up, even in the pain, God has proven His faithfulness in it all. Josh was right. It just took time for me to get it. 

Facing our endings is where hope begins. We can't run from the reality of our pain. We can't escape the truth of our losses, however much we'd like to. But we start to heal the moment we choose to take courage that belief will come in time. 

So, if you find yourself doubting His goodness in a season of pain, know that He will show up. As difficult as the days may be, there is still grace to be discovered in the what happens after. You may stand at the grave of all you hoped for and watch your dreams crumble. You may doubt if God is real and if He loves you after all that's happened. You may bury all you planned or loved and think that life as you know it is over forever. But, as Josh told me that day, God makes a way for you to believe again.