Past Year, Past Decade, And Me

The remnants of a year, of a decade are quickly fading, and reflection is on everyone's mind. Pictures are posted on social media as people show how they've changed in ten years. And I'm wondering who we've all become. Our faces can change, our lives can change, but do our hearts change? And have we truly grown in what really matters? 

This year has ended for me much as the decade started. Ten years ago, I recall a 21-year-old girl who was desperate for hope. For two years she had lived with the trauma of seeing her father fight for life, of seeing friends and family die, of feeling buried beneath a darkness she could not shake. She could hardly leave her room. Long nights were spent staring at the ceiling and wondering if there was a God. And if so, if He cared about her anymore after all that had happened. Depression and anxiety were constant companions. She had shut down to all that spoke life and love. Deep inside, what she craved was Grace, but she didn't know it at the time. All she knew was her life had been drastically upended for months, and all she wanted was for the pain to stop. For life to resume some normalcy...whatever that meant now. 

Early in 2009, a professional athlete who radiated Jesus showed her the way, and she slowly began to believe again. And for the first time in a long time, she prayed. Asked God to change her. To allow her to become something new, someone better. For God to take the pain and use it for good. To give her a reason to get out of bed everyday. That's all she hoped for. Three weeks after that prayer was uttered, she had a conversation with a Marine in Maryland that changed her life. All that was then. But what about now? 

In the years in between, more pain rained down and more life was emptied and it all seemed never to stop. But new friends arrived. A new job came. Most importantly, purpose showed up. And she found her voice in the depths. She found her message in the heartache. She began to learn to dance upon the ashes of her life. 

I guess it's kind of fitting that 2019 has been riddled with loss and grief. Twelve special people I know have died in this year. Every one of them meaningful in their own unique way. A few others look to be in their last days. And I'm still struggling to believe as I did ten years ago, to trust God and have faith when the world seems to be crashing on top of me. Yet, unlike a decade ago, I don't wonder if God is there anymore or if He cares for me. I know He does. Because I've changed. A lot has caused me to question this year. I've asked God many times why certain things have gone they way they did. But Grace has met me at every point and reminded me to keep hoping, to keep living with open hands, even when I don't understand. 

To be honest, I've surprised myself at how well I've walked through what I've experienced this year. I never would have imagined ten years ago when I asked God to make something of my mess that I could one day walk through continued broken and have such peace. 

Only Grace can give the grace to call everything grace, when it appears to be anything but. 

Soren Kierkegaard once said that "Life must be lived forwards, but it can only be understood backwards" and now I find myself looking over the shoulder and noticing all the ways things are different now: the professional athlete who first pointed me to a Jesus who could give my life meaning is no longer competing in the sport he once did, the Marine I spoke to became a dear friend whose sudden death I was asked to mourn this year, the health struggles with my dad continued off and on in the years that came after, the losses kept piling up as person after person was taken from my young life. I started attending a new church, began a new job, made new friends, went new places. Tried to create a new life on the ruins of the old. But, as I look back, I see a God who has remained faithful to me in all circumstances, who has shown Himself strong no matter what took place - who never failed to remind me that even this broken would be made beautiful. 

Several times this year, I wished it would just be over. I'm ready for a fresh start. Ready to find some happier days ahead in light of all the sadness I have carried for so long. But God has also helped me to notice that contentment in all situations is what He's most after. Even the difficult ones. To want to be anywhere else other than where He has me is to want something outside of His will and way. To ask for something other than what He's given is to reject the gift of what He feels I most need. 

Ten years ago, I wanted to escape the pain. It seems as though I'm still fighting that urge to say "no" to God's plan a decade later. But this time, I know what God's track record is and I know that the only way to keep moving toward a newer, better me is to keep moving forward with Jesus, wherever He leads. Without a doubt, I can say that, as hard as the road has been, I am thankful for it. The 31-year-old me is a far better person than the 21-year-old me was. Grace continues its work, and that is something I can keep counting on when life seems to bring nothing but more hardship. 

In Philippians 4: 11-13, Paul says, "I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And somehow, that seems to be a fitting way to sum up the last year and the last decade. To sum up the journey of me. 

I have no clue what lies ahead in a new year and a new decade. I have hopes and dreams, of course. But all things are subservient to the plans of my Savior because many times, He's given me something other than what I wanted but what, in the end, was something that was best. The new year may be one of abounding or one of continuing to be brought low. I do not worry about how it will play out because God has promised me on this adventure called life that He will supply all my need and that His grace is enough. 

And so I trust Him. And I continue to believe, even in my heartache, that God is making something beautiful of this messy life of mine. That one day, all will be made clear. But until then, faith and contentment are the secret to maintaining hope.