And I Almost Didn't Go...

 I just didn't feel like going that day. For one, it was a record-breaking hot day in Alaska, and I just didn't feel up to fighting the sun and the heat that afternoon. I'm normally a very patriotic person, and I love everything about America and celebrating my country...so you'd think this July 4th would've been much the same as always. Except it wasn't. Grief can turn you into someone you don't recognize. I told my family that I didn't feel like going with them to the local parade "because it's going to be too happy." Patriotic events right now strike close to home as I continue to mourn the loss of my friend and, some days, I just don't feel like willing myself to deal with it. July 4th was one of those days. 

But then my mom said something wise that got me thinking: as you get your morning routine going, just think about what Alex would want you to do. And what if perhaps you really need to go but just don't realize it yet? 

As I showered that morning and headed downstairs for breakfast, I thought to myself that maybe she was right. Perhaps something was waiting for me that I just had yet to see. And so I pulled myself out the door, and we headed to the parade. The walk from the parking area to the parade route was relatively short but oh, so hot!! We found some shade and gladly sat down to wait for the parade to arrive. All the while, I continued to search inside myself for some reason that could possibly have compelled me to drag down here and participate in this "party in the USA" when all I wanted to do was sit at home and plumb the depths of my sorrow. 

A few minutes later, a nice family asked to join us and share our shade. We didn't know one another but Alaskans are friendly, so it didn't matter. I didn't feel like socializing at all but I politely acknowledged their presence when they arrived. Not too long afterward, they started making conversation with my family...then with me. In talking, we discovered we knew many people in common. That's Alaska for you. Soon, I was talking with the husband who turned out to be in the military and part of a unit in which I have a couple friends serving. I also was pretty certain that one of Alex's best buddies was in that same unit as well...so I asked this gentleman if he knew Cody. And he did. I told him briefly about the recent news I'd found out regarding Alex's death and that I wondered if Cody knew. I'd never met Cody before. Even though he'd been part of a Marine reserve unit here in Alaska that I was pretty imbedded with and knew a lot of people in, somehow he and I had never crossed paths. The gentleman next to me responded quietly, "Well, after hearing your story, I think he deserves to know if he doesn't already. I can make that happen. Give me your contact info and I'll ask around and see if I can find him for you." 

In that moment, I suddenly thought...

Maybe you just failed to trust in daily grace by almost refusing to come out here today. To go against everything you felt and simply show up. To keep moving forward with God. What if he actually DOES find Cody?! You could've missed the next chapter in this story simply by failing to fall back on His endless supply of strength and do the uncomfortable. 

Days later, I received an email in which this gentleman had copied me, stating how we'd met and that I was looking for Cody. Could the person to whom the email was addressed help in the quest to find Alex's friend? I was pleasantly surprised that he'd actually followed through. That the story had touched him enough to want to make this connection happen. But I still kept my expectations low. 

What happens in the waiting is where change truly happens in the heart. Wait poorly, and impatience and unbelief will destroy you, will break you.  But wait well, and you will change large. You will grow in bravery. Because real courage is showing up even when you don't feel like you have a reason to. 

Hours later, I got a text...from Cody. He had been found and was curious to know who we knew in common and why I'd want to get in touch with him. I texted him a few details and then asked if he had a moment for a call. He said he'd give me a ring as soon as he left work in a few minutes. Shortly afterward, my phone rang, and I was finally talking to the guy my Alex had spoken so highly of for so long. He was already aware of Alex's passing but, through the course of our fifteen-minute conversation, a bond was formed. We had both lost someone dear to us and somehow that made us dear to one another. Cody has gone on to have a storied military career, and I know that Alex would be extremely proud of him. I am too. I told Cody that Alex would be so happy that we'd found one another after all this time, and he very much agreed. So much has happened since this conversation, and we plan to continue our communication and see where it leads. 

And to think that I almost didn't go...

Perhaps you've had experiences in your life when you took a chance on something you didn't exactly want to do or perhaps doubted it would work out. Maybe, like me, you thought that you were crazy for pushing yourself to go beyond what you thought you could handle. And yet, just maybe on the other side of these situations, you discovered that a miracle was waiting on the other side. And all you needed was a little more faith to get there in order to discover it. 

I'm sure you have your own "I almost didn't go..." story. Maybe you're living it out right now, today. Just remember in that moment that when you're at the end of your own resources, you will discover the beginning of God's. Unlimited grace for the taking, boundless strength for the having. There is no end to God's ability to sustain and uphold. To give you what you need to sometimes go the extra that you don't possibly think you can. Where we think we've come to an end is where God's just getting started. Maybe we just haven't seen it yet.