Letting The Light In

 The breeze is gently blowing the trees, causing sun-shadows to kiss the ground below. There's hardly a cloud in the sky today, but the thunderstorms have been frequent of late. Days that seemingly began as beautiful have turned into grey-showers of force. It's sort of a picture of my heart, too. The suddenlys have been many...and often. And I've found myself asking for just a bit of relief. Just a little break. But I've tried to find shelter in the only thing I know: that I don't know and only He knows, and my part is to simply trust that that's enough. 

Matthew 5:16. It was the verse that had sparked my spiritual awakening. It was the promise I'd seen lived out in the lives of the authentic ones... a promise that I wanted to know and live out myself. And so I'd prayed for light when all I could see was dark. And God listened. And of late, He's brought me back to this verse to remind me where I've been and how He's not failed and how He won't fail still. But somehow, I'm realizing that perhaps my expectations of how He'd cause me to live out its promise was perhaps unrealistic. The words,"Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in heaven" had stirred my soul, and I'd sought to understand how they could change me. But I'm seeing now that what I thought was that living Light would eliminate darkness - forever. That I'd never be depressed anymore. That I'd walk in perpetual hope. That I'd find a free and fulfilling life without fear. I needed the Light. I knew that. And as that Light got placed inside me, darkness did begin to leave. And hope began to grow. But I expected this new-found birth of purpose would mean I wouldn't endure the dark days anymore...life would be perpetual light. But I've since discovered otherwise. 

Perhaps it's not so much that light chases away darkness as it co-exists with it but shines the brighter. Perhaps it is false expectation to assume that simply because His light has appeared, darkness will no longer threat. Perhaps the real bravery lies in learning to let that Light into the deepest soul-recesses and see the existence of both the dark and its counterpart as essential to the discovery of truth. That I cannot appreciate one without having felt the other. And when God says that the one who follows Him will not walk in darkness but will have life-giving light, maybe He's really meaning that the darkness no longer overpowers your life. The darkness no longer dictates, determines, defines because the Light keeps the darkness at bay. And isn't that what this is all about anyway? Learning to find praise, learning to live doxology and worship, in a broken world? Learning to give your one, broken heart away in brave, selfless, Grace-breathed love? 

Just maybe this realization is why I've failed to move past the past fully. Because I expected to get rid of the darkness once and for all instead of seeing that the depression, the anxiety, the fearfulness might be a forever-weakness I would battle indefinitely. Perhaps all this is my "thorn in the flesh" Paul spoke of and what I need to do is find contentment in the broken way. Perhaps I need to more deeply discover what it means to let the scars show, to let the Light shine through the wounds. To see the hard places as mere openings for Grace to seep through. 

I'm wondering if possibly where we go wrong when it comes to facing the darkness is we look for a way out instead of a way through. We look to avoid instead of to wade into. We look to run instead of to stand. We pray for relief when we ought to be praying for refining. We want happiness when we should be asking for holiness. We seek comfortableness when we need to be seeking conformed-ness. And thus, because we ask amiss, we think God's failing to follow through when what's really going on is we're failing to let our own wishes fall through so we can follow through with Him. Perhaps a great reversal is necessary in order for us to begin making any headway in this fight for faith. 

Like the thunderstorms of late, I can't control the soul-storms when they hit. And they will inevitably. I used to fear them when they came. Because I somehow thought they shouldn't come now that I was walking in His light. But now I see that the clouds, the showers, the darkness is nothing to fear but rather an opportunity to look for Light where it may be found. To not ask for the storms to leave me alone but rather to plead with God to not leave me alone in the storms. To not ask for the sun to be my only friend but to lean on God to be my friend in both sun and rain. And now I look back at this promise in Matthew I have so loved and see that maybe God's intent for me is to let my light shine before others through the broken places.  Because broken places mended by Grace are all I have to offer. And the good works they see that cause them to bless the God I know may simply be works of love done from a heart that knows what it's like to hurt but also to heal. And is that really so bad after all?

Following these thunderstorms recently, the sunsets have been stunning. And its true in all seasons of life - the Light may be obscured for a time, but it will always return.