Learning To Live With All Of Yourself

It's starting to occur to me that I need to make new friends with an old friend. This may sound strange, but allow me to explain... 

I've had this old friend as my companion for sometime now.  It manifests itself in different ways, but it's never very far away from me.  Given the "perfect storm" of circumstances, it can show up and leave me tight in the chest, shaking in the body, mind racing, and breathing shallow. It's name? Anxiety. 

It first made its presence known close to twelve years ago when my dad was hospitalized with a life-threatening condition. The many months (years, actually) that followed of seemingly endless hospital visits, doctors appointments, and sudden trips to the emergency room added layers upon layers of fear and flashbacks...to the point where I couldn't even drive near the hospital without a panic attack coming on. The palms would break into a cold sweat, the breathing would become short...and I would once again be telling myself, "I can't do this." 

Prior to all of this happening, I'd struggled with anxiety's sidekick, depression, in my mid-late teen years. Depression brought on largely by the fact that I had been turned into an approval addict who never felt like anything I ever did was good enough to earn others' respect. I had more critics than friends, more people who wanted to change me than who saw me as good enough for who I already was. It goes without saying that I lived to gain the acceptance of others but had yet to discover the unconditional love of God which mattered more. 

Anytime you live for the applause of men, you lose way more than you gain. Emptiness is all you ever find because the more addicted you are to approval, the more approval you think you need. And there is never enough of it to satisfy the soul-longing for acceptance that truly fills. 

By the time my dad's health issues took over our lives, my depression only got worse. Because now I felt the most alone I'd ever been because, in my darkest hour, I thought I had nobody who could meet the needs of my heart that were eating me alive. I felt abandoned by God, I felt emotionally ignored by people...and where else could I turn? 

As the dark days increased, and the anxiety became more prevalent, I pulled further and further back into my shell because I was afraid of how others would react if I told them I had doubts. If I told them I wasn't sure I believed anymore. If I told them I lived with something that prevented me from sleeping at night. If I told them I just plain hurt inside and didn't know what to do about it. If I told them that all I wanted was love for being just who I was where I was at the time. 

It took years for me to reach a place where the Gospel began to drive deep into my soul. To make me see my value simply for being a child of God. To help me understand that my worth was not in what I did, or who I could impress but rather in the fact that Jesus had accomplished all that was necessary to make me approved in Christ. That this life no longer had to be about chasing the respect of people because Christ already deems me enough. 

But old habits die hard, you know. 



It's been eleven years since I first experienced the effects of anxiety. So many times, I've prayed that God would remove this issue and help me begin to live like "normal people." When the high-stress moments hit, when the fears rise, when the doubts begin to re-play themselves like an old record that won't die...I find myself increasingly embarrassed at the fact that I can't really enter a hospital without my old friend anxiety finding me again. And when I get down about things, I tend to go lower than most and depression sets in. I don't like this reality about myself and, for so long, I thought it would just go away eventually. They say that "time heals all wounds," but why is this still with me all these years later? 

But just recently, a truth-fact hit me that's kind of changed everything: 

The reason this happens is because the Gospel has yet to reach certain parts of me...and I need it to reach ALL of me! 

And just maybe I actually need to make friends with this thing called anxiety because perhaps it's actually a greater manifestation of my continued need for God than I realize. And just maybe it's also what makes me who I am... because would I really be the writer, the empathizer, the person that I am today if I didn't have this reminder of where I've been?! 

What if this is actually a moment like Paul's where he asked God to remove his "thorn in the flesh" but was actually told to simply accept sufficient Grace as his portion and to learn to live with all of himself through the strength God would grant him?!

Learning to live with ALL of yourself. This is where the Christian life becomes real - when we accept the fact that not all parts of us have fully had the Gospel driven deep, and all our moments of failure, of not getting it right, of being confronted with our own sin and foolishness, are merely opportunities for greater discovery of the redemptive grace of God. Instead of beating ourselves up over our faults, maybe we need to turn it around and say, "I can't. But You can!" Maybe it's actually about accepting our own inability and instead tapping into His ability

Getting this truth into my soul has made me realize that, even if I never completely am rid of this, I need to stop fighting it and, instead, make friends with it. Because it allows me deeper dependence upon the sustaining power of God. It's still not easy for me to face my fear in situations that I know will attempt to throw me back into my dark place. But I'm working on it. It's still not easy for me to trust people fully after all the critical comments I've endured over the years. But I'm slowly getting there. It's still not easy for me to pull out of a depression spell. But I'm better than I used to be. And I can see that progress is what matters. Little steps toward greater faith. Greater trust. 

God may or may not remove that thing in your life that you wish you didn't have. But whichever way He decides, learning to live with yourself... yes, even the aspects you hate the most... and giving yourself grace to grow is how we are able to use even our biggest weaknesses to a positive advantage and to allow it to drive us in greater dependence to the foot of the cross.

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