When God Says "No"

 I watch the leaf-shadows dance on the soil of the front yard as sunlight filters through trees now in full summer-life. And I contemplate that, so many times in my life, God has given me what I once heard termed the "divine 'no.'" 

The "no" that I heard in my soul as I watched my post-high school plans fall right through and my dad nearly die three times in a two month span. 

The "no" that ripped my heart when the headline screamed of death and my friend was another name on the list of Marines who had given their lives in wartime. 

The "no" I've seen more than I care to count as cancer has taken person after person I love, leaving heartbroken relatives in its wake. 

The "no" as dreams have died...and haven't I somehow survived even though it all seemed to steal every ounce of life straight out of me? 

I think of all the times that "no" was not the answer I wanted. The anger that seemed to rise up fierce inside of me as I felt cheated out of something I wanted...prayed for...thought I couldn't live without. 

But instead of being gifted the desire I sought, I was gifted brokenness. I was gifted pain and asked to do something meaningful with it when all I wanted to do was to answer the "no" with a "no" of my own...

A "no" that I refuse to accept this gift because all it carries is disappointment and unfulfilled hopes. 

A "no" that resist all things grace because I doubt God's goodness after what has happened. 

A "no" that says I don't think I can trust or love again because this hurts just. that. much. 

And just maybe I've actually uttered those words to the Almighty and expected Him to somehow change His mind through my denial and grant me the results I think I deserve?

Broken sunlight continues to splash across yard, and I realize that, when I chose to answer His "no" with mine, I only saw shadows instead of still-existent light...however broken. I saw pain with no purpose. I saw only what I had missed. And I then had the guts to tell God that He was wrong! 

Disappointment is everywhere in this world. That myth that happiness is what we deserve has ruined so many lives. And perhaps as the suicide rate continues to rise, and the hopelessness keeps on drowning, and the pain keeps on driving, souls give up simply because they cannot accept the divine "no." Cannot release their supposed rightful control on life. Cannot say "yes" to Lordship and, in so doing, say "yes" to true life. 

And truth somehow tells me that such unhappiness isn't the result of God's failure but my own. Failure to bow the knees in surrender when all I want to do is cry out a big, giant "why?" 

It is so clear to me now: when nothing makes sense, when everything is seemingly falling apart, when goodness appears to have run thin and grace seems to be a joke...I can choose to do the un-natural thing and open my hands to what I do not understand and accept as hope that which I can't see. The Light never stops shining. Things may cloud or fracture it, but it's always there. 

You can choose to see Him as the God of the "no" who is forever spoiling all you hoped for. The One who takes more than He gives and who is existent for the only reason of ruining all the good things you wanted. 

Or you can choose to see Him as the God of the "yes" who says "no" because He knows that your future good depends on it. See Him as the God who is so very much FOR you that He will alter history and send a Son-Miracle to earth for you because He loves. See Him as the God who cares so deeply that He will deny you what you want in order to grant you what you need. 

The choice to see the shadows or the Light determines how we accept what is given. Do we allow the not-given to ruin a blessing in the now? Because there always is one...even if it's masked in great pain and seems most hidden. Or do we accept and thank God for what has been presented because we believe that mercy has directed every event that concerns us? 

Just perhaps your shadowlands - your wilderness...your season when God has refrained from granting you the things you asked for or desired... just perhaps it could prove the entrance into a life you've actually always hoped for. Because a "yes" to God...even when what He chooses defies logic or explanation...is always an entrance into greater peace. A "yes" to God...even if what He gives appears to be ugly...is always the un-doing of ourselves and the re-doing of who we're meant to become. And a "yes" to God...in spite of the pain...is always the way out because it takes us through the way in: the uncomfortable way, the broken way. And didn't our Savior do the same?? 

If God gives you a divine "no," remember that this is the same God who watched His Son die on the cross so that a heart-replacement could be possible for us all. Because the suffering way is the only way to find The Way. And The Way didn't promise us life would always be happy. But He did promise us it would be full of meaning. He didn't guarantee that we would always get what we want. In fact, if He guaranteed anything, it's that we'd have to give up, lay down, let go in order to obtain. But He did guarantee that we'd always have what we needed. The so-called "daily bread" of His grace that forever gives today it's enough, regardless of how painful. 

There is now more sun than shadows, and I choose to accept both. For I realize I cannot have one without the other.