Choosing Brave

 I ugly-cried. Not gonna lie. It was a full-blown, let-loose, surrendered breakdown. But it was at the same time, a break-through. A moment of clarity. Of realizing that love accepts broken things. Love pursues and embraces broken people with the sole purpose of redemptive hope. 

 I've honestly been a jumble of emotions the past few weeks. It seems as though life has swung between the painful and the joyous, often within hours or even minutes of itself. I've dealt with everything from the heart-ache of hearing about death, soul-resistance, and denial, to the happiness of success, potential, possibility, and second chances. I've advised and comforted souls who were facing the worst about themselves and others, and I've celebrated with those who are stepping into the best life has to give. And I've ridden the ups and downs of my own soul-struggles at the same time. 

 I've spent the recent days processing new beginnings and what they might hold, facing the uncertainty of uncharted territory, contemplating how these new paths might unfold. 

And just the other day, it hit me. Like a healing wave over my worn-down soul, the truth washed over me deep and wide. I confessed my jumble of feelings to a close friend, and they listened. After I had poured out my heart, they spoke to my lack of perspective, to my fear, to my uncertainty, and lovingly told me to open my hands and say "yes" to God. Told me that God's love is enough to fix what isn't right inside and that I have no reason to keep fighting such irresistible grace. Told me that here, in this place of acceptance and forgiven-ness, one is safe to be broken and to give one's self room to grow and change. The friend shared their own journey recently - how dying to their own will opened the way for God to work, how accepting the fact that God asks hard things of His followers changes everything. 

 The prayer and honesty of a timely conversation like this opened the flood gates of this soul of mine and I felt a release of grip in the heart...a letting go that long needed to take place. And it began to sink in deep into my belief - one cannot keep bringing past failures, past mistakes, past struggles, past hurts into the present without it being a detriment to all things new and redeeming that God is desiring to perform in each life. 

 We fail to often grasp that God uses the adversities of our journeys, the broken paths we tread, as a re-ordering of sorts in our souls. The losses that He asks of us are simply making way for better gifts to be granted to us that we may experience the love of God in greater measure. We think we know where God is moving at any time but the reality is, we view the trajectory of all our lives with selfish perspective, and we often demand that God allow us to hold onto people, situations, and opportunities that may not (from His perspective) be beneficial to us in the long run. We get angry when He asks us to sacrifice for His sake because we sinfully think that we should be able to receive His blessings but never have to give up anything for Him. We think that God somehow owes us better than what we have...and we're always requesting Him to do what we desire instead of understanding that it is us who must bend our will to His. 

 God has not failed us...because He cannot. God's purposes are fixed since before the dawning of time and He is working out a kingdom-plan that none of us can or ever will fully grasp. If we were to be able to see inside the mind of the Sovereign God, we could not comprehend such a vast and beautiful scheme. And yet, we think that we - the created ones - know better. How foolish of us! 

 In my own life I see how many times I've let my clouded understanding determine how I will accept or reject God's plans. I fail to think of all the times God has over-ruled my will in order to accomplish His...and just how awesome it turned out to be in the end. I become discontent, frustrated, disappointed. And I fail to thank. I fail to bless. I fail to submit. 

 Through my tears the other day, I pleaded, "God, forgive me! Forgive my prideful soul for ever thinking that I can trace your dealings with me, for ever thinking that Thou art a harsh God with no care. Redeem this broken heart for better things." 

 Following the broken way of the Master, the surrendered path of Grace, is to choose hard things. Every person in the history of the world who ever did anything to advance God's work has had to grasp this great truth: one must choose brave. Every day. Every minute. One must make the constant decision to walk in faith...even when the road doesn't seem clear or make sense. 

And so...I'm making a choice in this day, right now, to trust God. No. Matter. What. I will honestly have to renew that choice probably in a few minutes or hours from now. And will continue to do so for the rest of my life as new challenges arise. But I'm done over-thinking. I'm finished trying to figure it all out...because I miss God when I do so. I miss the blessings. I run past the miracles because I'm holding on too tightly. 

 So let people come and go. Let things die and things be born. Let the cycle of in and out of my life take place...all so that God may do a new work. I'm ready to step into the unknown with bravery and faith. Ready to put my hand into that of the One who knows it all. And because He's guiding it all, I have nothing to be afraid of. Not even my one broken self.